I was in the dark place Monday. I felt it all around me in the hole of no return of ride it and it will go away.. I thought about him constantly and I couldn’t understand why? I thought about the life that I lost. The person I use to be that died seems like a life time ago and it’s only been three years. I hate those days I want to stay in bed all day and I usually do. I don’t understand because church was good I felt like I was blessed but I don’t know what happened Monday. My soul is lost and all I could think of is past hurt. I’m so tired of being in physical and emotional pain. I don’t understand really how this could happen to me. I’ve tried hard to fight and be in good spirits. I try hard to be here for my grandkids but some days I feel they are not enough. The hole can be so dark and lonely and cold. I feel empty inside like no really cares about me. I know that it’s not about me but most days I make it about me. I focus more on me than I do God and my family. I know it’s wrong because God is all around me. I hate that I feel like I can’t pray to him when I know He is waiting on me to answer my prayers. I know God hears me but in the hole I can’t reach Him no matter how hard I try. In the hole I’m curled up in a ball and it’s all crashing in on me everything I’ve done wrong or didn’t try hard enough to save is there. The hole is just me and my thought of trying to hold on to my life. I hate days when the hole over takes me because I’m afraid one day it’s gonna suck me up!