I’m in the mood to write today why I don’t know.. maybe its the change in the weather but how can that be when it’s still hot outside.. maybe my mind know that fall is about to approach because I already feel gloomy on the inside.. it’s like gloom and dread .. it’s really hard to explain but it’s like something else upon the depression that I already feel inside.. I feel like just staring out the window watching the waves crash against the ocean and do it all over again.. I see the sea gulls flying above with no care in the world just free.. and then I take in the children laughing and playing building sand castles, picking up seashells.. I look further out and I see couples holding hands as they walk along the beach.. I venture to go out and walk down to the beach as everyone has retreated in for the night.. I walk out it’s just me and my thoughts of how my life came to be.. all the different roads that I took and different turns that I made.. the circles that I went around in and the dead ends that brought me to this place now..a place I call I really don’t know what to call somedays..I am so thankful that each day God gives me.. No more do I want to die because of what I suffer with chronic depression and pain.. I often feel guilty to complain because so many more are hurting for more worse than me.. I sometimes feel ashamed that I can’t shake this off and resume to live as normal..but what is normal anymore.. I just wanna stick my feet in the water and feel it wash up against my body..thinking about how beautiful the beach is as night has fallen.. I set in my chair and I think back on time.. I think of my grandchildren running about playing and laughing clinging to my leg and loving on me.. All I could do was smile and remember the days are not remember the days that I didn’t want live.. just think of what I would have missed out on.. I have found that chronic depression is death alive if you let it .. yes we will always have our bad days.. but on those good days enjoy it and savor it to use on a bad day..