I wonder sometimes how did I get here..I hear my kids call mom and I say hey their talking to me..I wonder what forty-nine is supposed to act like..I don’t wanna be old..I want to believe I have embraced motherhood well.. I always tried to be there for my kids and now I am doing the same for my grandchildren..l always thought I had my children young enough that when my husband retired..I would too..but as you know things don’t always go as planned..my kids got grown and my mind and body fell apart..not to mention leaving a job of eighteen years that I hated but I loved the people..not only did that happen I also had to start over single after twenty years of marriage due to irreconcilable differences.. I spend most of time of feeling good in presence of my grandchildren..but let jump back on that pain medicine.. I am at a pain clinic now but he’s only doing injections in back for arthritis..I don’t know if he will treat me for the small fiber neuropathy.. I have never been addicted to drugs in my life..never experimented with any drugs at any kind..but I’m treated like a drug addicted..and made to suffer in pain..I don’t even think the doctors care anymore..I think you have to prove that you are suffering to the point of death before they’ll give you and aspirin..I’m trying hard to think what was the point of this blog tonight.. I think it had something to do with I wonder..I wonder a lot of things why life is so hard..and I wonder why God has given me the strength to fight everyday and not give up..I wonder why He loves me.. I wonder why He gives me chance after chance but I’m so glad He does.. I also wonder when I’m gonna start this healthy lifestyle back..I wonder how long it’s gonna take me to get back on the treadmill and squats..exercise that is supposed help my mind and my body.. I wonder when I will stop wondering and do it.. I wonder how many times I will go back into a room looking for the same thing.. I wonder will get a tattoo and had bad will it hurt..I wonder a lot of things..some of things I wonder you probably wonder too..