Where am I

image

I have  been dealing with health issues with my daughter.. we have been to the doctor it seems like every week last month.. and today also trying to get her well.. so I haven’t had a lot time to dwell on me.. as a mother I learned from my mother that you lay aside what is going on with you for your children.. and that’s what I do.. there was one day I just wanted to tell my daughter I can’t do it today.. my mind want let me.. please just leave me alone.. but I couldn’t I had to be there for her.. so I struggle through and I was there.. because I remember all to well her senior year and she said can you just show up for me.. but I know now is she was saying can you come back for ME.. and it’s sad to say that I couldn’t as hard as I tried I couldn’t.. because I couldn’t come back for me.. I had left me.. do you know what it feels like to desert yourself.. I was hopeless, empty and weak.. there was no fight left in me not even for me.. so how could I show up for her.. there were days I couldn’t comb my own hair.. days when I looked at nothing but the wall.. so the fight was gone.. even now I find myself not able to fight against him.. I still allow him to control me.. the cause of me sinking deeper into depression but he still controls me.. and I hate myself for being weak to him.. and betraying myself time and time again.. I only speak for me and yes depression has made me weak.. weak to walk away from a bad relationship.. I look and I know everyday I get a little bit stronger.. but then someone or something pulls me back.. I feel like the little girl who all she wanted was her daddy’s love but she never felt until it was too late.. and she had already searched for it in her boyfriend, her husband but never found it.. she never knew how a man was really supposed to treat a woman because she was never exposed to it.. and now the damage is done.. and I feel lost to ever find that kind of love .. that a real man shares with a real woman.. even though I’m here for my daughter.. there are still areas in my life.. that I still can’t show up for me.. and it makes me angry at myself.. for being weak because I didn’t come from a weak woman.. I don’t get me wrong.. I love that I have compassion.. and I have always stood up for those that couldn’t stand up for themselves.. always looking for a cause on my job (that I hated) to help out my Hispanic sisters and anyone else.. but yet I am weak to fight for me.. I don’t understand why I don’t matter anymore to me.. why can’t I let him go.. what is this hold I allow him to have over me .. it’s sickening.. I don’t know what to do.. I want so bad to have my normal life back..but what is normal anymore.. a life full chronic depression and pain that’s all I have known for almost four years.. because I can’t find my freakin strength.. I want the strength to walk away.. to shut the depression out forever.. but I don’t know when that will be.. I know I am in here but where is my fight for me.. why did I fail me.. I should have been stronger than this.. and you know what this was not really my intended blog.. but this my is therapy.. this is me opening up my eyes to me.. telling my story to  me, myself and I.. and anyone who will read my blogs..

Advertisements

One thought on “Where am I

  1. Hi, your right this is your therapy. I’ve been there. And I had a nervous breakdown. I Couldn’t think how to take care of me. You’re being too hard on yourself you got to forgive yourself. Gilt.com got your mind. Keep writing until you don’t feel guilty for being human. Women love hardest. This is what passing the pen is all about once you write it down you’re free.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s