They say knowledge is the key to everything..
I’m tired of trying to take care and motivate everyone but me.. I feel like I’m still looking after my husband.. even though we have not lived in the same house for almost five years.. I feel I am still responsible for him.. trying make sure that he is staying out of trouble.. I want go into details but let’s just say .. he has no common sense but is smart..
I was supposed to be his strength.. I was supposed to be the head.. behind the scenes.. like I said I have always been strong minded.. but at the time you were asking a twenty-four year too be in charge of almost forty year old.. who was an alcoholic.. and not only be in charge of him but our two sons.. and hide my panic attacks.. that came out of nowhere..
I didn’t even know what was going on .. I just know this feeling would come over me.. and I thought I was going to die.. I thought I was demon possessed.. because I had no knowledge of Anxiety.. but when my uncle died unexpectedly.. that’s when they began and I never told my family for years.. I was suffering and trying to seem normal..
Now I feel like I have to be here .. for my grandchildren.. I want to scream at my son for not being the father.. he was raised to be.. are maybe he is .. I have to say no because my husband, his father worked everyday.. and did everything he could to support his family.. so I don’t know where my son or young people think that the world owns them something.. I ask him what example are you sitting for your sons.. the same thing I used to ask my husband with his drinking..
I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me from everyone.. because no one can sees my pain.. how hard it is for me to pick up my Chunk Chunk.. and running after my Love Bugg.. and just walking upstairs when Kohen wants to show his grandma something.. is awful but I do it anyway..
I really don’t know if they don’t see it.. are they are just selfish as hell.. my head is killing me.. and I want drive until I run out of gas.. but I would only get out the driveway..
Just oneday I want my FREAKING PAIN and DEPRESSION acknowledged.. and from them to say Mom I don’t know how you do it.. but I am here for you.. are that mom you have come along way with your depression.. I know it’s hard for you but you got up today..
I do have my oldest son to lean on.. but I feel like he already has the weight of the world on him taking care of me.. I’ve cried so many times on his shoulders.. and he has been right here beside me.. not a selfish bone in His chocolate body.. he would literally give you the shirt off his back.. He is my rock.. but I am just tired of feeling like a burden to him.. which he said I’m not..
I woke up to a beautiful morning.. a warm day with the sun shining.. so what has happened..
I am just TRIED..