Forgiveness Not Today

imageI have been thinking early this morning.. trying to cope with this year as it is quickly coming to a close.. 

As I look back.. I first want to say that God always knows who is best for us.. who we need in our lives.. but most of all God is not gonna go against His word to make you happy.. your happiness must line up with God word if you are a Believer..

Now it may sound like I’m about to contradict myself.. but this part is not out of just my spirit but my flesh to..

I look at how you left me broken.. and how I blame you for my brokenness.. but I had to except the fact I that I had been broken long before you came into my life.. I just allowed you to kick the pieces around, to scatter them and mix them up.. 

But I had to realize that broken people attract broken people.. at the time you might not see it because of the state of brokenness you’re in.. but have you ever seen a confident person full of live wanting to get involved with someone broken.. what I’m saying confident people surround themselves with confident people.. we have all heard the saying “No one wants to be around a Dibbie Downer”.. so we attract what we put out.. 

So moving on I  allowed myself to be a victim of my depression and physical pain.. I didn’t become a Survivor.. instead I lay there ready to die, wanting to die.. to be at peace, to be at rest with my grandma.. yes I wanted to die.. or so I thought until I began to realize God has me here for purpose.. to help others just like me..  yes I will always have depression and probably chronic pain too.. but I don’t have to live in it alone.. remember I said God lives in our brokenness.. so I’m never alone and neither are you.. 

Now speaking to him who thought he left me a victim.. at this moment I HATE YOU.. You validated me away that has left me with doubt and shame.. a feeling of more weakness but it took this to open my eyes up .. and make me finial say enough is enough.. but before that you left me with my heart in pieces.. you made me doubt everything about me.. and then you left me.. but instead of seeing your leaving as a blessing.. I cried and pleaded with you to come back..

But today I look and I laugh at you.. you left me for her.. someone who never wanted you.. so I rejoice in my flesh at that.. you sitting drinking and crying like the bitch you wanted me to be for someone who used you like you used me.. crying for her to come and be with you.. you allow yourself the man, to be treated like a bitch.. not by one but two women.. yes I rejoice in the fact that both make a fool of you.. yes at this very moment I HATE YOU.. and I finally see that you are hurting worse than you hurt me.. and yes I’m smiling today as I write my freedom from you.. because see you got exactly what you deserve and more.. because you didn’t get the one you broke my heart for .. and you can’t have the one you truly love either.. 

Yes, the day will come I will write again to him.. a letter to say I forgive me.. for allowing him to use me.. but today at this moment I HATE HIM.. 

original me..

Picture ~black art

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3 thoughts on “Forgiveness Not Today

  1. Wow is all I can say. You wrote this in such a brutal but honest way. I can relate to what you wrote and it hurts but we all need to forgive…forgetting is the hardest part. Thanks for this post. I may have to write one concerning this. Its too strong to be ignored. Good job.

    Like

    1. Thank you Sammy.. yes I know I have to forgive him .. right now I have to hate him until I’m strong enough not to go back.. then I will work on forgiving him..

      Liked by 1 person

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