By now if you follow me you know I have three grandson that are my reason for living outside of God.. yes I have a great support system but when I know these three are depending on me to be strong.. to smile, listen and most of all make everything thing better.. yeah that’s why I can’t give up.. this is for those who face depression on a regular basis.. you gotta find a reason to fight.. you may not have grandchildren but you got a pet, a friend, a family member who is depending on you, you would be surprised how much your phone or text means to someone.. also let’s remember that depression and being suicidal is two different mental illness.. if not treated yes depression will lead to suicide.. I think what I’m trying to say is that we are in the world together for a purpose.. and it’s easy okay to say “Hey how are you” and mean it.. nothing bothers me more than a fake how you doing.. that when my guards goes up, the look of “you could have kept that”..
The purpose of this post was to share my grandson playing in the snow.. so I don’t know why I wrote about depression.. well I do because it leads what I call the silent killer suicide.. nobody ever thought they would do it.. or they didn’t seem depressed to me.. and sometimes we can do everything possible and for whatever they lose hope on life.. and no matter how hard they try to fight.. there is a feeling of emptiness, feeling of not only would everyone else be better off with them.. they would too.. they feel they have tried everything to take away the pain, yet it’s still there.. like a feeling of having something eating away at your soul every minute of the day.. it’s not that they didn’t try to stay or that they were weak.. it’s just they could no longer see the hope, the purpose and the ones they were leaving behind as being better off if the stayed among the living..
I don’t know why I’m still here honestly.. I desired to be a peace like the rest of them.. but for some reason.. It didn’t happen some could say I wanted to live more than die.. at the time I was just tired of everything I tried to do failing me.. from my job, to pain that no doctor could explain to me and my home life, to my relationship with God.. weird that I would say God was failing me but that’s what it felt like to me.. I felt like I was God’s child and I had watched him heal people that I prayed for but yet He seemed to pass by my house.. so yes I felt abandoned by God.. but He never left me, I lefted Him for a season.. but when we feel abandoned by God don’t you know that’s the most hopeless feeling in the world for a sane person.. so magnify that by millions for someone with chronic depression and other mental issues..
I guess if I can leave you with anything.. I don’t want anyone to think that a person who committed suicide was weak or they wanted to give up of life.. they wanted to stay but believe me they also wanted peace.. if you’re thinking about suicide please get professional help.. check into a hospital.. don’t give up on life and most of all don’t give up on God.. please talk to someone.. and like I said before just focus on the next second in front of you.. that’s society problems we focus too much on time.. when we only have this very second..
The Original Me Ann..