A Look Back

Let’s Talk About It

 

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This is 3 almost 4 years ago..

ow do I start.. this picture pop up from 4 years ago on Facebook in my memory.. and I look at it and I began to be sad.. it’s a picture of me and in the picture I’m supposed to be happy but I’m so sad and lost.. it’s called the face of depression.. it’s a me holding to anyone or thing that can help me hold on to life..

I guess some people are ashamed to talk about it, to ask about it.. but I wanted death more than I wanted life.. I cry for days at a time uncontrollably.. I stayed in bed days at a time only getting up when I had too.. I isolated myself to only my children and at the same time isolated them to.. I couldn’t there for them no matter how hard I tried..

I had given up on everything.. I couldn’t do the things I used to do.. there were days I couldn’t do the simplest things as comb my hair.. I went to church but I didn’t talk to anyone and eventually that stop..

I had given up on life and I had given up on God.. the one thing I feared death I no longer feared but wanted it or so I thought.. I dreaded getting up so I stayed in bed as long as I could.. I had lost everything my job, my marriage, and my grandmother and my health..

I was so lost.. and I made a lot of bad decisions trying to hold on to life.. then one day I stop ask God why me.. what did I do so wrong that He would let me suffer like this.. instead of asking why me I began ask for strength to live again.. to accept that His Grace is sufficient in my weakness and I began to believe again..

I would love to say that I no longer suffer from chronic pain and depression but I would be lying.. I would love to say that my family no longer worries about me but again I would be lying.. I can say that with the help of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I know that I am healed and I have been for some 2000 years.. I can look back and see where I have come from and I give all the praise and glory to God.. if learning that no matter what God is not a man that He should lie and God will fulfill His promise to his children..

I talk about depression and mental illness because no one should be ashamed of it.. and because the more we  make people aware of mental illness the more comfortable we become with letting others know that we are hurting, we feel empty inside, lonely and that others would be better off without us.. my chronic depression came from my physical health and being in constant pain and not being able to get answers as to why..

I just want you to know that if you are depressed you can live through it.. most of. all everything we go through is to help someone else along the way.. God Bless You..

The Original Me Ann

No Editing

imageThis now can you see the difference..

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10 thoughts on “A Look Back

  1. Hi Ann, it’s good to hear from you. The way you described your depression sounds like me. I had a mental breakdown. I couldn’t think to drive to places that I had been driving to all my life. I couldn’t think what to wear in the mornings so I simply did not go outside. I couldn’t remember to set my alarm clock for work finally I lost my job. So many things we take for granted. I didn’t know holding my pain in of my sexual assault my rape everything that I have been through I kept a secret and it drove me to a mental breakdown. Today when I say I’m happy, I mean my spirit and my soul my heart is happy I have peace of mind. I believe in my heart that you will too it’s good to hear your process of healing and progress. I can say after losing my mom and dad the pain I felt and I got through it. No one can ever hurt me again because I have felt the ultimate pain. I know my writing helped me get the pain out. The fact that I forgave my enemies. And just as you I asked God to give me the strength to be the person that my parents taught me to be and and the woman I strive to be I would do his will. I’m so happy you are not in chronic pain anymore that’s such a blessing and a miracle. And the difference I see in the two pictures is that the second picture I see Life In Your Eyes. You have a natural aura it shines, you are God’s child. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I must have read wrong. Sorry to hear that. So they subscribed a medication that helps you to deal with the pain better?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah they did but it’s not strong enough and I don’t want to go up on it right now.. as long as I don’t do anything then I can tolerate it but once I start moving around it’s about the same but I refuse to sit around dope up..

        Like

      3. To hear what you’re going through and the fact that you haven’t given up you still have fight in you and you’re not going to sit around is very encouraging to me and others who read your blog.

        Like

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