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imageLife what is it really all about.. the ones you love don’t really love you.. you fight to stay in a world that could careless about you so what’s the use.. you beg and you pray for better days only to realize there are none.. you look for someone anyone to look beyond you and see your pain.. but because you have no scares or bandages.. how anything possible be wrong with you.. you pray and believe with all your heart that God will heal you but instead of getting better you get worse.. you have faith like the woman with the issue of blood.. and the man who cried out Son of David have mercy on me.. and you know that everyone don’t receive their healing on this side.. so you pray for more strength to excepted what you can not change..

So you look for something or someone to hold on for.. you think would it not be so much easier to be at peace at rest In the arms of Jesus.. cause at the end of the day no one really cares.. of course they will mourn and cry for a few days.. but soon there life will go on and thoughts of you will vanish like ashes in the wind..

So you resolve to stay and fight for no one but you.. you hold on to the promises of God and you remind Him that He is not a man that He should lie.. and you realize that in order to have His peace you must shut things of the world out.. you resolve to believe God that when Jesus died on the cross you were made whole and complete.. and you live for NO ONE but Jesus..

The Original Me Ann

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Craving

 

imageThe craving want stop.. no matter how hard I try.. it’s a constant begging from my body to make the pain go away.. what do I say no you can’t have it, not today.. when the pain is so bad that it wakes me up.. craving something to make it go away..

When will the craving stop.. when will I be whole again.. I don’t know all I know is for now the craving is killing me..

The Original Me Ann

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She Just got Tried Part2

imageShe sit with the cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth.. She wanted to once again crawl into the corner of her mind where she felt safe.. 

As hard as she wanted to she couldn’t give up on life again.. She didn’t wanna let her family down again.. beside she knew if she returned to her the corner of her mind there would be no coming back..

She knew on the days that she felt like she was just to tired to go on that He would be there like all the times before.. all she had to say was ” Hear, O Lord and have mercy on me; Lord be my helper! ( Psalm 30:10)

But what about the times when she has no voice at all.. when she was just to tired from trying everything known to man.. the nights that she felt like He had left her it is then that she wraps herself in His word “I will never leave you or forsake you Ann”..

She just got tired but she still believe with all her heart that one day her pray will be answered.. She still has faith that God has not for gotten her.. and that God is using this experience to show her His love and mercy that He has for her.. 

There is no way I can go back no matter how tired I get or how long the process is or if I’m never healed on this side.. it is for His divine glory that I live and breathe.. and no matter what I trust God to be God..

She put the cigarette down and knelt to pray..

The Original Me Ann

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She Just got Tired

Cigarette hang from the side of her mouth.. she sits in the corner of her mind locked away from the pain.. from the feelings of despair and hopelessness.. everything she ever loved is gone in a matter of seconds..

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She has no one to blame but herself.. the voices in her head told her not to leave her safe place .. to stay a little longer better yet to not go back at all.. but she didn’t listen she thought it was safe to come out.. to be herself again, to rejoin the world but she was wrong..

Seems like the very someone’s she loved the most left her one by one.. they said they loved her and was glad to have her back.. but she could never be as strong as they wanted her to be.. she could never be the woman who left.. she was either too strong or to weak.. and she notice that she loved to hard or not at all..

She had come to a place that she preferred to be alone again because that was the safest place to be.. she didn’t want to have anyone in her life anymore so she sit in the corner of her mind..

Some still wonder why she gave up.. what could have happened that she preferred to live a life of emptiness.. a place of darkness or so they say..

She just got tired of dealing with chronic depression and pain.. She got tired of the meds to put her to sleep and to wake her up.. meds that if you don’t take them on time your sleep is disturbed by demons and your pain is worse than you can imagine.. She just got tired of living a lie by saying everything is okay.. I’m good because that’s what they want to here.. She just got tired of being a burden to the ones that she loved.. so she returned to the corner of her mind..

Remember everyone gets tired.. and some of us are wrestling with things you can not begin to imagine.. Everyone has a story from beginning to end .. a lot of us need to start at the beginning instead of choosing what part of a person life to read..

She just got tired..

I thought I would write this from two view points part two comes tomorrow..

The Original Me Ann

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A Look Back

Let’s Talk About It

 

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This is 3 almost 4 years ago..

ow do I start.. this picture pop up from 4 years ago on Facebook in my memory.. and I look at it and I began to be sad.. it’s a picture of me and in the picture I’m supposed to be happy but I’m so sad and lost.. it’s called the face of depression.. it’s a me holding to anyone or thing that can help me hold on to life..

I guess some people are ashamed to talk about it, to ask about it.. but I wanted death more than I wanted life.. I cry for days at a time uncontrollably.. I stayed in bed days at a time only getting up when I had too.. I isolated myself to only my children and at the same time isolated them to.. I couldn’t there for them no matter how hard I tried..

I had given up on everything.. I couldn’t do the things I used to do.. there were days I couldn’t do the simplest things as comb my hair.. I went to church but I didn’t talk to anyone and eventually that stop..

I had given up on life and I had given up on God.. the one thing I feared death I no longer feared but wanted it or so I thought.. I dreaded getting up so I stayed in bed as long as I could.. I had lost everything my job, my marriage, and my grandmother and my health..

I was so lost.. and I made a lot of bad decisions trying to hold on to life.. then one day I stop ask God why me.. what did I do so wrong that He would let me suffer like this.. instead of asking why me I began ask for strength to live again.. to accept that His Grace is sufficient in my weakness and I began to believe again..

I would love to say that I no longer suffer from chronic pain and depression but I would be lying.. I would love to say that my family no longer worries about me but again I would be lying.. I can say that with the help of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I know that I am healed and I have been for some 2000 years.. I can look back and see where I have come from and I give all the praise and glory to God.. if learning that no matter what God is not a man that He should lie and God will fulfill His promise to his children..

I talk about depression and mental illness because no one should be ashamed of it.. and because the more we  make people aware of mental illness the more comfortable we become with letting others know that we are hurting, we feel empty inside, lonely and that others would be better off without us.. my chronic depression came from my physical health and being in constant pain and not being able to get answers as to why..

I just want you to know that if you are depressed you can live through it.. most of. all everything we go through is to help someone else along the way.. God Bless You..

The Original Me Ann

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imageThis now can you see the difference..