Today is all I have to give me.. I woke up with darkness all around me.. see that’s what depression is darkness and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.. I put on some praise worship music and then I put a slide show of my photos on.. and the memories made me smile to see how much Kohen, Kyrie and Kaysen have grown.. memories of graduation and the family cookouts.. I was reminded of how quickly everything and everyone changes in twinkling of an eye.. how the only important things in life is a solid foundation with Christ, family and a handful of true friends..
So Today isn’t about me or my depression or my chronic pain but I made it about this guy.. who without ever knowing it,is one of the reasons I was able to get up..
I know it’s hard especially when you constantly going through pain and depression when it’s every single minute of the day.. But you must find a reason to live no matter how hard it is..
Will it ever stop.. are will this is life forever.. the days of being care free have been long gone.. the laughter is only enjoyed for a second.. the smile that tries to hide the pain, the disappointment of the life you dream of gone in a matter of minutes to no fault of your own but it’s always in the back of your mind did I do something wrong..
Will the battle ever end.. Battles of tears that fall uncontrollably.. Battles to put one foot in front of the other.. Battles to hold on when you wanna give up..
Battles that you must win if not for yourself.. for the ones who are fighting the Battle with you..
Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..
I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..
Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..
I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..
It’s been a minute.. and so much has happened but I wanted to let the Blogosphere know that I’m still here.. they say setback sets you up for a comeback.. well I should be on top of the world soon..
Remember guys the holidays are the hardest when those dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts .. so keep watchful eyes on your family, friends, co-workers even a stranger that you may come in contact with.. as hard as it maybe for those of us to believe that someone cares us they do..
So as you go through out your day always look for ways to show yourself friendly and if you can give nothing else but a smile ,a listening ear ,as you walk away a warm hug.. and a genuine I’m praying with you.. just know it may save someone life..
I’ve been thinking about you “Say what you mean” praying all is well..