The Wind Blows

The wind blows and no one knows where it goes or where comes from.. nobody thinks that they to will one day blow away too..

I think about how time changes everything the body and the mind.. I think about the days gone by and time wasted.. years lost and days gone by..

I think of the years to come even the weeks.. and I wonder what will happen to me.. I wonder if the day will come when I can no longer write my thoughts down.. will the day come that I no longer use my legs to stand or feet to walk..

I think about the book of Job when he said the one thing I feared the most has come upon me.. So I try not fear what will happen to me.. try not think will the day come when I long to feel the pain in my body because all is numb..

I think being chronically ill physically and mentally is the worse thing can ever happen to a person but at the same time I’m know there is so much worse.. and the guilt comes of knowing that there are people who can not feel, who are dying from cancer and other diseases, people who don’t have a place to live or food to eat for that matter clean drinking water in this country.. I feel like I’m being selfish for even considering my pain..

When all hope is lost and the only hope I have is Jesus.. I have to take him at His word that He is my Divine Healer.. and even when I feel all hope is lost.. I still must trust God to deliver on time.. even when the winds blows and I don’t know where it comes from.. I still know the Source..

The Original Me Ann

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Today

Today is all I have to give me.. I woke up with darkness all around me.. see that’s what depression is darkness and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.. I put on some praise worship music and then I put a slide show of my photos on.. and the memories made me smile to see how much Kohen, Kyrie and Kaysen have grown.. memories of graduation and the family cookouts.. I was reminded of how quickly everything and everyone changes in twinkling of an eye.. how the only important things in life is a solid foundation with Christ, family and a handful of true friends..

So Today isn’t about me or my depression or my chronic pain but I made it about this guy.. who without ever knowing it,is one of the reasons I was able to get up..

I know it’s hard especially when you constantly going through pain and depression when it’s every single minute of the day.. But you must find a reason to live no matter how hard it is..

The Original Me Ann

Battle

Will it ever stop.. are will this is life forever.. the days of being care free have been long gone.. the laughter is only enjoyed for a second.. the smile that tries to hide the pain, the disappointment of the life you dream of gone in a matter of minutes to no fault of your own but it’s always in the back of your mind did I do something wrong..

Will the battle ever end.. Battles of tears that fall uncontrollably.. Battles to put one foot in front of the other.. Battles to hold on when you wanna give up..

Battles that you must win if not for yourself.. for the ones who are fighting the Battle with you..

The Original Me Ann

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No Strength Left

Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..

I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..

Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..

I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..

I pray I will stay strong..

The Original Me Ann

Hello

It’s been a minute.. and so much has happened but I wanted to let the Blogosphere know that I’m still here.. they say setback sets you up for a comeback.. well I should be on top of the world soon..

Remember guys the holidays are the hardest when those dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts .. so keep watchful eyes on your family, friends, co-workers even a stranger that you may come in contact with.. as hard as it maybe for those of us to believe that someone cares us they do..

So as you go through out your day always look for ways to show yourself friendly and if you can give nothing else but a smile ,a listening ear ,as you walk away a warm hug.. and a genuine I’m praying with you.. just know it may save someone life..

I’ve been thinking about you “Say what you mean” praying all is well..

Blessings to you in Blogosphere

The Original Me Ann

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#Icantbreathe

Craving

 

imageThe craving want stop.. no matter how hard I try.. it’s a constant begging from my body to make the pain go away.. what do I say no you can’t have it, not today.. when the pain is so bad that it wakes me up.. craving something to make it go away..

When will the craving stop.. when will I be whole again.. I don’t know all I know is for now the craving is killing me..

The Original Me Ann

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