I Don’t Know

imageI’m trying hard to hang in here.. feeling overwhelmed since Thursday.. I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day but I had to help with the babies.. this was the first time in along time that I just couldn’t help with them.. I just wanted to be left alone..

Then my daughter gives me the speech.. momma you’re either gonna live or die.. you have to choose which one you’re gonna do.. you got to get up and tell yourself that you’re gonna live.. you’re gonna fight for your life.. to be here for me and your grand babies.. so stop crying..

I wish she would understand how hard it sometimes for me to even breathe.. I wish she would understand that it’s all I can do some days to stay in the race.. I don’t want to seem weak to her most days I am..

The injection to burn the nerves didn’t work.. my legs and back still hurt and I still have a hard time walking and standing.. I don’t know what to do anymore.. and I really wanna find another pain doctor because I don’t feel like he has my best interest at heart.. the Percocet he prescribed is not strong enough.. I don’t even know if it works on neuropathy.. it has so far so I don’t know if stronger dosage would help..

I feel like if I don’t start walking consistently my legs are just gonna get weaker, the pain in my hips and back has not changed so the decisions to suffer with exercise or without either way I’m in pain.. at least hopefully I could get in shape and feel okay about that.. I gotta learn to live with the pain, depression and panic attacks..

Yes I believe in God and the power of Jesus healing power.. I believe that He is well ever to deliver me.. just as I believe He is well able to keep me in whatever state I’m in.. I know it’s okay to vent and express my emotions.. God Himself tells us there is a time for everything under the sun.. this my time to release my feelings.. as always be bless..

The Original Me Ann..

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No editing..

Can I Scream

Just getting off the phone with my mortgage company.. I could freakin scream.. I say God I wanna everything to be used for your glory.. but when you say that it’s like all hell breaks loose..

All I want is my kitchen fixed from the fire damage that happened almost a year ago.. and every document submitted is wrong.. so of course my Chronic Depression has kick in I’m freaking crying on the phone not just about my kitchen.. but I went to the grocery and ended up calling my son because it was too much physically and emotionally.. the injection to burn the nerves in my back has done something to the muscles above my knees and now it’s like I have muscle spasms in it.. its like I’m damn if I do or don’t.. I feel emotionally drained.. but enough about me..

Last month I focused on schizophrenia.. I learned that the voices are real.. I learned a lot from following Schizophrenia 548.. that’s  www.schizophrenia548.com  I like how he writes his blog and that he shares about the voices and what he does to quiet them down.. Even if you’re like me and don’t have schizophrenia.. at least I don’t think I do check him..

This month I will be learning about PTSD.. so here wishing for a great rest of the day.. Stay strong and bless.. and guess what there is a silver lining in the midst of our storms..

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The Original Me Ann..

No I didn’t edit..

Photo.. I probably already posted this one..

Warning signs of suicide

A ex-coworker of mine committed suicide last week.. what I remember about her is that she was quiet and seem to be a nice person.. it saddens my heart to know that she was going through so much hurt and that’s the only way she could stop the pain.. so I wanted to post this because it is very serious.. and I will not be ashamed to say I have been suicidal and you do want the pain to stop, the hurting to go away and you begin to think that everyone would be better off without you.. and the person committing suicide is looking for peace, for rest..

The Original Me Ann..

Picture~ Thomas Sailot

Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It’s not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide—it’s a cry for help.

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Most suicidal individuals give warning signs or signals of their intentions. The best way to prevent suicide is to recognize these warning signs and know how to respond if you spot them. If you believe that a friend or family member is suicidal, you can play a role in suicide prevention by pointing out the alternatives, showing that you care, and getting a doctor or psychologist involved.
Major warning signs for suicide include talking about killing or harming oneself, talking or writing a lot about death or dying, and seeking out things that could be used in a suicide attempt, such as weapons and drugs. These signals are even more dangerous if the person has a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder, suffers from alcohol dependence, has previously attempted suicide, or has a family history of suicide.
A more subtle but equally dangerous warning sign of suicide is hopelessness. Studies have found that hopelessness is a strong predictor of suicide. People who feel hopeless may talk about “unbearable” feelings, predict a bleak future, and state that they have nothing to look forward to.
Other warning signs that point to a suicidal mind frame include dramatic mood swings or sudden personality changes, such as going from outgoing to withdrawn or well-behaved to rebellious. A suicidal person may also lose interest in day-to-day activities, neglect his or her appearance, and show big changes in eating or sleeping habits.
Suicide warning signs
Talking about suicide – Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.”
Seeking out lethal means – Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
Preoccupation with death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
No hope for the future – Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.
Self-loathing, self-hatred – Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).
Getting affairs in order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
Saying goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
Withdrawing from others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.
Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”
Sudden sense of calm – A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to attempt suicide.
Suicide prevention tip 1: Speak up if you’re worried
If you spot the warning signs of suicide in someone you care about, you may wonder if it’s a good idea to say anything. What if you’re wrong? What if the person gets angry? In such situations, it’s natural to feel uncomfortable or afraid. But anyone who talks about suicide or shows other warning signs needs immediate help—the sooner the better.
Talking to a person about suicide
Talking to a friend or family member about their suicidal thoughts and feelings can be extremely difficult for anyone. But if you’re unsure whether someone is suicidal, the best way to find out is to ask. You can’t make a person suicidal by showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to express his or her feelings can provide relief from loneliness and pent-up negative feelings, and may prevent a suicide attempt.
Ways to start a conversation about suicide:
• “I have been feeling concerned about you lately.”
”Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.”
”I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.”
Questions you can ask:
• “When did you begin feeling like this?”
”Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?”
”How can I best support you right now?”
”Have you thought about getting help?”
What you can say that helps:
• “You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.”
”You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.”
”I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.”
”When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.”
When talking to a suicidal person
Do:
• Be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.
Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your friend or family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.
Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
Take the person seriously. If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head, you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.
But don’t:
• Argue with the suicidal person.Avoid saying things like: “You have so much to live for,” “Your suicide will hurt your family,” or “Look on the bright side.”
Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.
Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional in order to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.
Offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.
Blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness, or lack thereof, is not your responsibility.
Source: Metanoia.org
Tip 2: Respond quickly in a crisis
If a friend or family member tells you that he or she is thinking about death or suicide, it’s important to evaluate the immediate danger the person is in. Those at the highest risk for suicide in the near future have a specific suicide PLAN, the MEANS to carry out the plan, a TIME SET for doing it, and an INTENTION to do it.
The following questions can help you assess the immediate risk for suicide:
• Do you have a suicide plan? (PLAN)
• Do you have what you need to carry out your plan (pills, gun, etc.)? (MEANS)
• Do you know when you would do it? (TIME SET)
• Do you intend to take your own life? (INTENTION)
Level of Suicide Risk
Low – Some suicidal thoughts. No suicide plan. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.
Moderate – Suicidal thoughts. Vague plan that isn’t very lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.
High – Suicidal thoughts. Specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.
Severe – Suicidal thoughts. Specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she will attempt suicide.
If a suicide attempt seems imminent, call a local crisis center, dial 911, or take the person to an emergency room. Remove guns, drugs, knives, and other potentially lethal objects from the vicinity but do not, under any circumstances, leave a suicidal person alone.
Tip 3: Offer help and support
If a friend or family member is suicidal, the best way to help is by offering an empathetic, listening ear. Let your loved one know that he or she is not alone and that you care. Don’t take responsibility, however, for making your loved one well. You can offer support, but you can’t get better for a suicidal person. He or she has to make a personal commitment to recovery.
It takes a lot of courage to help someone who is suicidal. Witnessing a loved one dealing with thoughts about ending his or her own life can stir up many difficult emotions. As you’re helping a suicidal person, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Find someone that you trust—a friend, family member, clergyman, or counselor—to talk to about your feelings and get support of your own.
Helping a suicidal person:
Get professional help. Do everything in your power to get a suicidal person the help he or she needs. Call a crisis line for advice and referrals. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional, help locate a treatment facility, or take them to a doctor’s appointment.
Follow-up on treatment. If the doctor prescribes medication, make sure your friend or loved one takes it as directed. Be aware of possible side effects and be sure to notify the physician if the person seems to be getting worse. It often takes time and persistence to find the medication or therapy that’s right for a particular person.
Be proactive. Those contemplating suicide often don’t believe they can be helped, so you may have to be more proactive at offering assistance. Saying, “Call me if you need anything” is too vague. Don’t wait for the person to call you or even to return your calls. Drop by, call again, invite the person out.
Encourage positive lifestyle changes, such as a healthy diet, plenty of sleep, and getting out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes each day. Exercise is also extremely important as it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.
Make a safety plan. Help the person develop a set of steps he or she promises to follow during a suicidal crisis. It should identify any triggers that may lead to a suicidal crisis, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Also include contact numbers for the person’s doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.
Remove potential means of suicide, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms. If the person is likely to take an overdose, keep medications locked away or give out only as the person needs them.
Continue your support over the long haul.Even after the immediate suicidal crisis has passed, stay in touch with the person, periodically checking in or dropping by. Your support is vital to ensure your friend or loved one remains on the recovery track.
Risk factors
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, at least 90 percent of all people who die by suicide suffer from one or more mental disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or alcoholism. Depression in particular plays a large role in suicide. The difficulty suicidal people have imagining a solution to their suffering is due in part to the distorted thinking caused by depression.
Common suicide risk factors include:
• Mental illness, alcoholism or drug abuse
• Previous suicide attempts, family history of suicide, or history of trauma or abuse
• Terminal illness or chronic pain, a recent loss or stressful life event
• Social isolation and loneliness

helpguide.org

Depression Sucks

It’s a gorgeous day outside the sun is shining and a gentle breeze blowing.. and yet what am I doing feeling like I’m drowning in depression.. I don’t wanna talk or be around anyone.. I hate days like these.. and it has nothing to do with my faith or anyone who has depression faith.. it just comes out of the blue.. it’s always there hiding and most days I will try to fight it.. but more days than none it over takes me.. so I have decided to just lay back down.. my back is killing me and my legs.. so all I want to do is nothing.. not even talk just left alone.. this my quality of life.. maybe the next hour will be better or maybe before the sun goes down I will make myself walk outside.. but right now I don’t have the strength to fight it..

The Original Me Ann..

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Schizophrenia

imageI wonder how many people that are homeless that we thank are lazy.. that we walk by talking to themselves are just suffering from mental illness..

There is so much I have learn about mental illness.. so much I want to learn so I can educate others that we are sick just like anyone with a physical illness.. I don’t want anyone to be a shame of being mentally sick are ashamed to get help.. until we can talk about it at the dinner table and not be uncomfortable.. then the mentally ill will always be ashamed to get help..

The Original Me Ann..

No Me

imageI thought about you today longer than I should have.. I thought nice it would be to lay down and let the water cover me.. to feel your cold embrace and let it swallow me up.. I thought how nice it would be to be free from this life and pass on to the next.. letting go of the pain and the hurt.. letting go of feeling like my mind will never be the same.. a body that no longer listens to me but has a mind of its on.. no longer can I be the one thing that has kept me going a grandma.. because I allowed words without thought to escape my mouth.. words that were full of hate and anger.. that were meant to hurt another person who I love dearly.. so I allowed my words to possibly destroy instead of heal.. so in process of causing her pain.. I began to see my own.. and yes I wanted to be at peace to escape from my pain, my hurt, my words that crushed another’s person spirit.. sometimes we take the easy way so they say.. and sometimes we just feel like the world would be a better place if there was no ME..

The Original Me Ann..

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My Soul

imageMy soul is sad today.. I don’t know why.. tears streaming down like a river.. no one to call, no one to lay my head on.. no one to call my own.. you’d think by now I’d be used to it.. you’d think that I’d be strong enough to walk alone.. but I’m not.. I hate when it hits me and I can’t shake it off.. I hate being depressed and days like today when I don’t want to fight it.. when I wanna wrap up in it’s loneliness.. and let it cover me like my favorite blanket.. when I don’t want to breathe are hold on for anyone.. when I’ve encouraged everyone and I look around and theirs no one to encourage me.. and today the fight is to hard.. so I sit in my state of depression and pray that tomorrow will be a better day.. a day that I realize loneliness like everything else doesn’t last forever.. and dreams do come true.. and one day God will give me to some one to share my every- thing I am with..

The Original Me Ann..

 

Finding A Purpose

imageBy now if you follow me you know I have three grandson that are my reason for living outside of God.. yes I have a great support system but when I know these three are depending on me to be strong.. to smile, listen and most of all make everything thing better.. yeah that’s why I can’t give up.. this is for those who face depression on a regular basis.. you gotta find a reason to fight.. you may not have grandchildren but you got a pet, a friend, a family member who is depending on you, you would be surprised how much your phone or text means to someone.. also let’s remember that depression and being suicidal is two different mental illness.. if not treated yes depression will lead to suicide.. I think what I’m trying to say is that we are in the world together for a purpose.. and it’s easy okay to say “Hey how are you” and mean it.. nothing bothers me more than a fake how you doing.. that when my guards goes up, the look of “you could have kept that”..

The purpose of this post was to share my grandson playing in the snow.. so I don’t know why I wrote about depression.. well I do because it leads what I call the silent killer suicide.. nobody ever thought they would do it.. or they didn’t seem depressed to me.. and sometimes we can do everything possible and for whatever they lose hope on life.. and no matter how hard they try to fight.. there is a feeling of emptiness, feeling of not only would everyone else be better off with them.. they would too.. they feel they have tried everything to take away the pain, yet it’s still there.. like a feeling of having something eating away at your soul every minute of the day.. it’s not that they didn’t try to stay or that they were weak.. it’s just they could no longer see the hope, the purpose and the ones they were leaving behind as being better off if the stayed among the living..

I don’t know why I’m still here honestly.. I desired to be a peace like the rest of them.. but for some reason.. It didn’t happen some could say I wanted to live more than die.. at the time I was just tired of everything I tried to do failing me.. from my job, to pain that no doctor could explain to me and my home life, to my relationship with God.. weird that I would say God was failing me but that’s what it felt like to me.. I felt like I was God’s child and I had watched him heal people that I prayed for but yet He seemed to pass by my house.. so yes I felt abandoned by God.. but He never left me, I lefted Him for a season.. but when we feel abandoned by God don’t you know that’s the most hopeless feeling in the world for a sane person.. so magnify that by millions for someone with chronic depression and other mental issues..

I guess if I can leave you with anything.. I don’t want anyone to think that a person who committed suicide was weak or they wanted to give up of life.. they wanted to stay but believe me they also wanted  peace.. if you’re thinking about suicide please get professional help.. check into a hospital.. don’t give up on life and most of all don’t give up on God.. please talk to someone.. and like I said before just focus on the next second in front of you.. that’s society problems we focus too much on time.. when we only have this very second.. 

The Original Me Ann..