So how do I began this story. I will start here at the heart of things. I have always loved my breast . I mean it’s part of what makes up the woman’s body. It’s what we wait for as teenagers to say hey my body developing into womanhood. I for one have always loved mine . I had very big breast that was hard on my neck and shoulders then I had a reduction.. and I still loved them small.. it took some adjusting for my family to get use too.. but now the thought of not having any at all scares me.. of course I know I’m not my breast.. and it’s the only way that I will feel at ease with this LCIS is to Illuminates the problem and give myself a better chance of not developing breast cancer.. yes there are other options but I just don’t feel like I could take the waiting ever six months or the cancer pill.. so I know I’m making the best decision for me and family..
I just wish that I could just get my life back to normal.. I keep telling myself that this is not how my story ends.. that I will experience the goodness of Jehovah in the land of the living for death and the grave can not praise Him or tell of His mercy.. so I have believe that my day is coming where I will share my testimony of His goodness.. of His favor over my life..
The Original Ann
I can’t remember the last time I posted here.. It’s been awhile since I have shared my feelings with no judgement..
Well a lot has changed.. and yet something are the same..
One I’m finally out a bad relationship.. I have let him go completely with the help of God.. I didn’t try and kill my self last year so that’s always good.. but there are days that my mind wants to give but I refuse to let it.. so yes I still suffer from chronic depression..
I still have chronic pain all over my body that has only gotten worse but I’m still able to move and walk.. I just stay very tired but I know that is apart of the sickness..
To add to the story I have LCIS which is pre-cancerous.. So that’s what’s new in my life.. I will add to this everyday my faith is stronger.. I love Jehovah so much..
The wind blows and no one knows where it goes or where comes from.. nobody thinks that they to will one day blow away too..
I think about how time changes everything the body and the mind.. I think about the days gone by and time wasted.. years lost and days gone by..
I think of the years to come even the weeks.. and I wonder what will happen to me.. I wonder if the day will come when I can no longer write my thoughts down.. will the day come that I no longer use my legs to stand or feet to walk..
I think about the book of Job when he said the one thing I feared the most has come upon me.. So I try not fear what will happen to me.. try not think will the day come when I long to feel the pain in my body because all is numb..
I think being chronically ill physically and mentally is the worse thing can ever happen to a person but at the same time I’m know there is so much worse.. and the guilt comes of knowing that there are people who can not feel, who are dying from cancer and other diseases, people who don’t have a place to live or food to eat for that matter clean drinking water in this country.. I feel like I’m being selfish for even considering my pain..
When all hope is lost and the only hope I have is Jesus.. I have to take him at His word that He is my Divine Healer.. and even when I feel all hope is lost.. I still must trust God to deliver on time.. even when the winds blows and I don’t know where it comes from.. I still know the Source..
The Original Me Ann
I think it was said said on twitter that you can’t want change but never make it.. Change is all around us, sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad.. and eventually we learn to live with change..
I myself recently made some changes like turning fifty and coming into all this knowledge it sounds crazy but it’s true..
Things I lost along the way.. I have found again.. Like I would rather be alone than to accept crumbs from a man.. Things I wish that young girls knew like how beautiful they are.. how precious we are in the sight of God.. that there is no need to fight and beg for crumbs from undeserving guy.. That like me you to hold the key to your happiness..
I was encouraged to take three months just for me, to learn me and most of all fall in love with me again.. and it’s not easy because I face a lot of challenges.. but if I have learned one thing it’s to keep my focus on Jesus.. and the I believe what the word of God say “I am the Apple of His Almighty Jehovah God eye and I push on.. in being confident of this I Will NOT BEG FOR CRUMBS.. No matter how bad I feel I tell myself I am that ONE..
The Original Me Ann
Sitting out here in my yard watching the wind blow but yet I can’t see the wind.. I imagine this is what life will be like years later just me managing to make it to the back yard and sit..
Sometimes when I think of getting older like in my eighty and life slowing down I use to be afraid of the loneliness but I have faced it for so long I will have mastered it..
I don’t so much think of it as loneliness anymore but just me and The Father enjoying the sun and the breeze and it’s nice today is not dealing with people..
Where I can just sit and look at my and the one squirrel that’s seem to have made it his home.. it’s crazy how they neither seem to worry or care about tomorrow such a simple life they have..
Maybe we can learn from the squirrel.. to know that there will be days that I will look nutty and dig around but I will do it at my own pace and time.. and it’s okay to be alone just don’t be lonely Ann.. always live in the moment..
The Original Me Ann
Picture ~ Squirrel on the fence can you see him