Where can I run when there’s no one to run to.. Where can I run when there are no arms open wide.. Where can I run when all I see is darkness.. Where can I run when there is no one to hold on to.. Where can I run when I can’t find a hand to grasp on to.. Where can I run when it’s cold outside and the rain want stop..
Where can I run when I’m all out of breath.. You were my last hope but like so many others you faded into the night..
So where can I run when there is no one holding the light..
The Original Me Ann
Used and Abused yet my mind want let you go.. Suffocating when I’m with your hand around my neck for this how you sleep best.. Afraid to move afraid to speak not wanting to disturb your sleep.. In my mind I feel me losing my breath.. I can’t breathe with you and I can’t breathe without you..
The Original Me..
This something I just wrote out of my head this morning.. I don’t know why but I felt I needed to share it..
Let me close my eyes and see your face.. let me sit in silence and see your face.. let lay in bed and look at your space.. let close my eyes and think of your face.. let close my eyes and see how it really was.. me needing you and you giving me just enough to keep me holding on.. let me sit in silence and remember how your words were always demanding.. let me close my eyes and see you the real you.. not a fantasy I want to create of how you can be.. let me close my eyes and not see you anymore..
The Original Me Ann..
Tonight is gone with all its possibilities .. the possibility of you holding my hand.. are caressing my face.. the possibility of lay my face in your hand to feel your strength.. the possibility of the first kiss, the first touch.. the possibility of the long embrace of smelling your cologne.. the possibility of tasting your full size lips.. yes the possibility is gone of ever having you love a woman such as me..
The Original Me Ann..
While encouraging others my own life is a living hell.. tormented by the things of my past and present life.. entangled in my mind bars that I can’t break free of.. a life of feeling lost while seeking love at any cost.. running aimlessly from one person to the next, from job after job, and city after city.. trying to escape the things and people that hold me captive.. running away from everything and yet running to anything or one that could possibly hold the key to free ME.. am I to be tortured for the rest of my life here.. will I ever find the strength, the power to break free.. will I ever be able to save ME.. or will I continue to be entangled, entrapped by the bars wrapped around my mind as I look for anyone or thing that holds the key.. to unlock Me..
The Original Me Ann..
Some people will never understand why you move the way you do.. how you walk with limp and from dragging so many bags on your back.. how those bags had you bent down to the ground.. how a normal persons back would have broken.. but not you.. know you cradle on through the hurt and pain..
One day you began to unload your bags.. you started to dig around and what you found was nothing but rags.. the things you held on too no longer exist.. see he or she died long ago.. and they left you the shell of the person you used to be.. they thought they won for even from the grave they still had you bound.. still crying and mourning over what could have been.. so many were the bags that they but a strain on your back.. bent from the shame and abuse, from love that left you black and blue.. tears you cry are no longer needed.. don’t you know they didn’t deserve you..
So unpack your bags I say, and burn those rags.. for out of ashes comes your freedom to stand up straight.. yes walk proud of your limp.. for it will forever be a reminder of all you went through.. but YOU DID NOT BREAK.. Yes with ashes comes beauty and that Beauty is YOU..
Original Me Ann..
When I think of all the things I could say.. why is goodbye so hard to say.. The life you have shown me has been nothing but pain.. A life of doubt and fear.. afraid to be me and shine like the star that I am.. I wanna say goodbye to the excuses you make and the late night phone calls.. I wanna say goodbye to the text messages.. and the one sided love affair.. goodbye to the feelings of lost and abandonment.. goodbye to the heartache of needing more and getting less.. so why is it so hard to say goodbye to something I never had in the first place.. so I’m letting go of the why.. and I’m letting go and saying goodbye.. goodbye to you and hello to me .. hello to a life of happiness..
Your beauty shines in the day.. like the sunshine above.. just as well as it does at night.. like the moon set upon..
Don’t allow yourself to be nobody’s second best.. let him or her make you feel that all you’re good for is second place..
In other words don’t let nobody make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.. that your only use is when they have no one else.. Don’t think by allowing them to treat you less than.. You ask less than what .. less than the person God created you to be.. less than a person with feelings.. less than having your needs met.. but always meeting theirs.. less than being treated like the man and woman that God created you to be.. less than being shown respect for your body as well as your mind..
Too many of us settle for a less than life.. we allow another human beings.. with the same weakness as us .. subject to the same pain and shortcomings as we are.. make us feel less than..
If you don’t know if you’re less than.. let me share with you how to know..
- Does he/ she only call when they need something..
- Are you made to feel special..
- Do you see them only at night..
- Are you satisfied doing sex..
- Do they go weeks at a time without calling/ texting you..
- Do they say we are just friends but act like you their possession..
- Do they show any concern about you..
- Are you welcome at their place anytime..
- Do they show you respect..
- Do they take you out to dinner/ movie..
- Do they express any kind of love for you..
- Do you always do the giving but never receive anything back..
- Do they take your self esteem..
- Do they make you feel insecure..
- Do they let you know that they are looking for someone else.. that you are not who they desire to be in a relationship with..
- Do they let you know you are just a stress reliever.. ( a booty call)
I could go on and on with my list.. but what I’m trying to say is this.. nobody has the right to make you feel less than.. less than a man.. less than a woman.. you have the power as to how you allow anyone to treat you..
So everyday you must tell yourself.. I will not allow him/her to make me feel less than..Less than I know that I am.. key word you gotta know who you are.. in order to be treated the way you deserve.. you gotta know that there is nothing about you less than..
You gotta speak it.. today I am everything God created me to be.. and I never read where He created Adam less than.. but everything God created was good..
So you are good enough for anything.. and most definitely Anyone..
Where are you.. why can’t I find you.. where have you gone.. why do you no longer answer to the name that made you strong.. why did you let it die.. don’t you know the name you was given was your strength.. was your ability to fight.. to stand and demand to be heard.. your name was your pride and joy.. it drew people to you.. and made you who are.. your name gave smiles too many.. even when the called you Angy.. you knew that Ann was there .. ready to fight for any done wrong.. many wanted you to let her go because they know what was in your name.. they’ve heard the stories and seen the battle scars.. afraid of no one near are far.. so where am I, you ask.. right here coming back from the grave .. buried beneath things that have made even me shame.. but no longer will I stay dead.. for I have come to know.. what’s in my name..
Ann is back.. so get ready .. some may say you sound crazy today.. Crazy no, I just know that I thought I buried Ann some almost four years ago.. but God has made me realize that she is still alive .. I just had to get her out the trash, dust her off and let some people go.. some will not understand this post.. but I’m know for sure too many will..
picture ~ Ann
Giving a gift at birth only to have it stolen from me.. never given the chance to say who would be my first.. never even the chance to save my being for marriage.. it was stolen from me.. like a thief in the night .. you came and took what was not yours to take.. I slept in my bed like most little girls do .. with my dolly beside my hand .. only to have it replaced by something I never knew about.. it felt so nasty and didn’t know what to do.. I thought how could this be happening because I call you daddy too.. you told me not to tell anybody our little secret.. and as I lay there crying you said next time.. want hurt so bad.. as you close the door you say remember.. Our little Secret..
For every little boy and girl.. who has had their being stolen from them.. who never got a chance to choose their first.. it is my prayer that God will bring healing to you..