No Strength Left

Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..

I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..

Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..

I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..

I pray I will stay strong..

The Original Me Ann

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The Day..

I had therapy today.. which really takes a lot out of me physical the drive but mentally and emotionally is worse than I think than the drive is.. I feel so drained.. I guess because therapy was emotional.. I apologize to my therapist for crying but of course he was like get all out..

I was gonna Blog about but I just decided today.. I’m not gonna think about the pain or the therapy .. I still believe in Jehovah now more than ever.. but anyway I’m gonna rest so my head can easy off.. and so I’m just gonna read so look for comments.. I remember when I was me Ann.. I could read  books all day.. then everything changed and stop reading, writing, watch television.. I just STOPPED.. okay I said I was gonna talk about it..

The therapist ask me have I reached the GIVEN UP STAGE.. I said No.. 

The Original Me Ann..

He looks like he got caught.. he’s one of the reasons I can’t give up.. Stay strong..

In My Mind

Used and Abused yet my mind want let you go.. Suffocating  when I’m with your hand around my neck for this how you sleep best.. Afraid to move afraid to speak not wanting to disturb your sleep.. In my mind I feel me losing my breath.. I can’t breathe with you and I can’t breathe without you..

The Original Me..

Picture~Pinterest

This something I just wrote out of my head this morning.. I don’t know why but I felt I needed to share it..

Close My Eyes

Let me close my eyes and see your face.. let me sit in silence and see your face.. let lay in bed and look at your space.. let close my eyes and think of your face.. let close my eyes and see how it really was.. me needing you and you giving me just enough to keep me holding on.. let me sit in silence and remember how your words were always demanding.. let me close my eyes and see you the real you.. not a fantasy I want to create of how you can be.. let me close my eyes and not see you anymore..

The Original Me Ann..

Photo~ http://www.weheartit.com

Unlock Me

While encouraging others my own life is a living hell.. tormented by the things of my past and present life.. entangled in my mind bars that I can’t break free of.. a life of feeling lost while seeking  love at any cost.. running aimlessly from one person to the next, from job after job, and city after city.. trying to escape the things and people that hold me captive.. running away from everything and yet running to anything or one that could possibly hold the key to free ME.. am I to be tortured for the rest of my life here.. will I ever find the strength, the power to break free.. will I ever be able to save ME.. or will I continue to be entangled, entrapped by the bars wrapped around my mind as I look for anyone or thing that holds the key.. to unlock Me..

The Original Me Ann..

Fighting Back

I packed in a haste so I could leave before he got back.. I look around at what I was leaving behind the mansion on the hill, the cars, ocean views that people only dream of, money, and the fame of being the wife of one of the worlds top surgeon.. I was walking away from a life most women would die for and I thought I would too..

I from being treated like a delicate flower.. being able to hang out with the girl friends and volunteering at the hospital, seeing family on a regular basis, lunch dates with old college mates and church functions..

Everything changed so fast after the I do’s.. I went from being the love of his life .. to his prisoner in a matter of months.. I went from being adored to tortured.. my every moment was accounted for.. I had a time limit for everything I did..

I don’t know what happened I came home one day like normal after a lunch date with the girls.. and I was met at the door by him, shouting where have you been.. who is he.. I ask who is who baby, you know this is the day the girls and I go to lunch.. what is the matter with you I asked.. he looked at me and grab me by my arm and started shaking me.. screaming I know you’ve been with a man.. by this time I am crying and I ask him are you crazy.. I love you and only you.. I thought that might as settle him down.. but he just stared at me like I was lying to him..

Thats when everything changed.. and the beating began first it was a black eye.. then the choking but that wasn’t the worse part.. I think the name calling was the worse than the bruises because they went away but names lingered in my head forever..

Picture- http://www.indulgy.com

Fighting Back Part 1

The Original Me Ann..

To Be Continued

 

Bags

Some people will never understand why you move the way you do.. how you walk with limp and from  dragging so many bags on your back.. how those bags had you bent down to the ground.. how a normal persons back would have broken.. but not you.. know you cradle on through the hurt and pain..

One day you began to unload your bags.. you started to dig around and what you found was nothing but rags.. the things you held on too no longer exist.. see he or she died long ago.. and they left you the shell of the person you used to be.. they thought they won for even from the grave they still had you bound.. still crying and mourning over what could have been.. so many were the bags that they but a strain on your back.. bent from the shame and abuse, from love that left you black and blue.. tears you cry are no longer needed.. don’t you know they didn’t deserve you..

So unpack your bags I say, and burn those rags.. for out of ashes comes your freedom to stand up straight.. yes walk proud of your limp.. for it will forever be a reminder of all you went through.. but YOU DID NOT BREAK.. Yes with ashes comes beauty and that Beauty is YOU..

Original Me Ann..

Picture- facconly.blogspot.com

Forgiveness Not Today

I have been thinking early this morning.. trying to cope with this year as it is quickly coming to a close.. 

As I look back.. I first want to say that God always knows who is best for us.. who we need in our lives.. but most of all God is not gonna go against His word to make you happy.. your happiness must line up with God word if you are a Believer..

Now it may sound like I’m about to contradict myself.. but this part is not out of just my spirit but my flesh to..

I look at how you left me broken.. and how I blame you for my brokenness.. but I had to except the fact I that I had been broken long before you came into my life.. I just allowed you to kick the pieces around, to scatter them and mix them up.. 

But I had to realize that broken people attract broken people.. at the time you might not see it because of the state of brokenness you’re in.. but have you ever seen a confident person full of live wanting to get involved with someone broken.. what I’m saying confident people surround themselves with confident people.. we have all heard the saying “No one wants to be around a Dibbie Downer”.. so we attract what we put out.. 

So moving on I  allowed myself to be a victim of my depression and physical pain.. I didn’t become a Survivor.. instead I lay there ready to die, wanting to die.. to be at peace, to be at rest with my grandma.. yes I wanted to die.. or so I thought until I began to realize God has me here for purpose.. to help others just like me..  yes I will always have depression and probably chronic pain too.. but I don’t have to live in it alone.. remember I said God lives in our brokenness.. so I’m never alone and neither are you.. 

Now speaking to him who thought he left me a victim.. at this moment I HATE YOU.. You validated me away that has left me with doubt and shame.. a feeling of more weakness but it took this to open my eyes up .. and make me finial say enough is enough.. but before that you left me with my heart in pieces.. you made me doubt everything about me.. and then you left me.. but instead of seeing your leaving as a blessing.. I cried and pleaded with you to come back..

But today I look and I laugh at you.. you left me for her.. someone who never wanted you.. so I rejoice in my flesh at that.. you sitting drinking and crying like the bitch you wanted me to be for someone who used you like you used me.. crying for her to come and be with you.. you allow yourself the man, to be treated like a bitch.. not by one but two women.. yes I rejoice in the fact that both make a fool of you.. yes at this very moment I HATE YOU.. and I finally see that you are hurting worse than you hurt me.. and yes I’m smiling today as I write my freedom from you.. because see you got exactly what you deserve and more.. because you didn’t get the one you broke my heart for .. and you can’t have the one you truly love either.. 

Yes, the day will come I will write again to him.. a letter to say I forgive me.. for allowing him to use me.. but today at this moment I HATE HIM.. 

original me..

Picture ~black art

Some Fact to Know

 

This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart.. when’s AIDS first came out I had a guy I knew in school die from it.. back then it was the gay people disease.. Gods punishment for being homosexual… and like so many I brought into until .. I did the reach for myself.. as you know these are not my thoughts just some facts..

 

HIV AND AIDS IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA)USA map

Map of the United States of America (USA) and country HIV statistics

The United States of America (USA) currently has around 1.2 million people living with HIV, with one in seven people unaware that they have HIV.1 The size of the epidemic is relatively small compared to the total population, however it is heavily concentrated among several key affected populations and geographically in the southern states – where 49% of all HIV new infections occur. Since the beginning of the HIV and AIDS epidemic, 659,000 people have died of AIDS-related illnesses in the USA.2
Although the USA is the greatest national funder of the HIV epidemic globally, it is still facing a major ongoing HIV epidemic itself, with around 50,000 new infections per year. Stigma and discrimination continue to hamper people’s access to HIV prevention, testing and treatment services, fuelling the cycle of new infections.
The USA lacked a comprehensive plan on HIV until 2010 when President Obama created a National HIV/AIDS Strategy. The latest strategy, released in 2015, is structured around four core aims: reducing new HIV infections; increasing access to care and improving health outcomes for people living with HIV; reducing HIV-related disparities and health inequities and achieving a coordinated national response to the epidemic.3
Key affected populations in the USA
The impact of the HIV epidemic in the USA is more seriously among some groups than others. These key affected populations can be grouped by transmission category i.e. men who have sex with men (MSM), but also by race, with people of colour having significantly higher rates of HIV infection over white Americans.4
A complex set of economic and socioeconomic factors drive risk to these populations, including a lack of access to care, discrimination, homophobia, stigma and poverty.5 Sexual networks is also a major determining factor for HIV risk in the USA, with populations at a high risk to HIV tending to have sexual relations with people in their own communities.
Men who have sex with men in the USA
MSM are the group most affected by HIV in the USA, accounting for 68% of all new HIV infections in 2013.6 The group has seen a rise in new HIV infections between 2009 and 2013 from 28,000 to 31,000.7
Only 66% of MSM living with HIV in 2011 were aware of their infection, and young MSM aged 18-24 were even less likely to know (49%). There are significant disparities by race as well. 86% of white MSM were aware of their status, compared to only 63% of Hispanic/Latino MSM and 54% of black/African American MSM.8
Higher numbers of sexual partners, greater numbers of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and having unprotected anal sex are some of the reasons why HIV transmission is more common among MSM.9
Black/African Americans in the USA
Black/African Americans accounted for 46% of all new HIV infections in 2013, and make up 43% of the total number of people living with HIV in the USA, despite only making up 13% of the population.10
Between 2009-2013, black/African Americans accounted for:
63% of all HIV infections among women

67% of all HIV infections among children below 13 years old

42% of all HIV infections among males.11

Black/African American men and women are most likely to be infected through unprotected sex with a man, or by injecting drugs. Other factors such as heightened levels of poverty, lack of access to adequate healthcare, and stigma surrounding MSM also increase this group’s risk of HIV infection.
Young black/African American MSM (aged 13 to 24) are most affected.12 In 2010, they were more than twice as likely to be infected with HIV as young MSM of any other ethnic group.13
High HIV prevalence within this community, and the increased likelihood of black/African Americans to only have sexual relations with others in their community, heightens their risk of HIV.14
PLHIV in USA
Hispanics/Latinos in the USA

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original me

Emotional Abuse — The Journey is YOU……….and you are UNIQUE.

Emotional abuse is an uncomfortable reality, a social taboo. As such, it is the least talked about yet most common form of abuse. It is insidious and subjective in nature. Due to language and cultural differences — depending on the individuals, the setting and the culture — some abuses […]

via Emotional Abuse — The Journey is YOU……….and you are UNIQUE.