The one thing a person wants most is to be in control of their own thoughts and actions.. Nobody wants to be vulnerable but yet it happens to even the strongest of us..
I create from my pain and move with the fact.. that I have been a willing participant in my own pain..
I found out there is nothing new under the sun.. We love , we hurt and we love again.. each time believing this is the one .. but it never last..
I found when we orchestrate outside the will of God.. as believers it will not last.. we must sometimes lay in wait as God does the pruning of everything that is unlike Him.. before He can presence us to our forever love..
I found there is nothing new under the sun.. nothing that hasn’t already been done..
They say knowledge is the key to everything..
I’m tired of trying to take care and motivate everyone but me.. I feel like I’m still looking after my husband.. even though we have not lived in the same house for almost five years.. I feel I am still responsible for him.. trying make sure that he is staying out of trouble.. I want go into details but let’s just say .. he has no common sense but is smart..
I was supposed to be his strength.. I was supposed to be the head.. behind the scenes.. like I said I have always been strong minded.. but at the time you were asking a twenty-four year too be in charge of almost forty year old.. who was an alcoholic.. and not only be in charge of him but our two sons.. and hide my panic attacks.. that came out of nowhere..
I didn’t even know what was going on .. I just know this feeling would come over me.. and I thought I was going to die.. I thought I was demon possessed.. because I had no knowledge of Anxiety.. but when my uncle died unexpectedly.. that’s when they began and I never told my family for years.. I was suffering and trying to seem normal..
Now I feel like I have to be here .. for my grandchildren.. I want to scream at my son for not being the father.. he was raised to be.. are maybe he is .. I have to say no because my husband, his father worked everyday.. and did everything he could to support his family.. so I don’t know where my son or young people think that the world owns them something.. I ask him what example are you sitting for your sons.. the same thing I used to ask my husband with his drinking..
I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me from everyone.. because no one can sees my pain.. how hard it is for me to pick up my Chunk Chunk.. and running after my Love Bugg.. and just walking upstairs when Kohen wants to show his grandma something.. is awful but I do it anyway..
I really don’t know if they don’t see it.. are they are just selfish as hell.. my head is killing me.. and I want drive until I run out of gas.. but I would only get out the driveway..
Just oneday I want my FREAKING PAIN and DEPRESSION acknowledged.. and from them to say Mom I don’t know how you do it.. but I am here for you.. are that mom you have come along way with your depression.. I know it’s hard for you but you got up today..
I do have my oldest son to lean on.. but I feel like he already has the weight of the world on him taking care of me.. I’ve cried so many times on his shoulders.. and he has been right here beside me.. not a selfish bone in His chocolate body.. he would literally give you the shirt off his back.. He is my rock.. but I am just tired of feeling like a burden to him.. which he said I’m not..
I woke up to a beautiful morning.. a warm day with the sun shining.. so what has happened..
I am just TRIED..
Well gurl I thought I would give you a call and drop some knowledge on somebody.. like me cause I could use it.. my day has felt some what calm.. I still have thoughts of him coming into my head.. but my daughter ask a tough questions..
Mom why do you think, he’s the best you can do .. why don’t you think you deserve better.. she said well you do .. and I’m here to make you see it..
He isn’t the best I can do.. I believe that.. it’s just I felt responsible for him.. in so many ways.. and I just knew God sent him to me.. to help me out of depression and deal with the pain.. but like I said that was not the case..
I know I deserve better.. but I’ve never felt pretty or sexy.. It’s seems like my body was never good enough.. growing up I was emotionally abused.. and so I could never see myself as nothing but an ugly mistake.. I feel better about myself but it’s hard to be around a group of black men I don’t know.. I don’t speak.. I just look down at the ground or floor.. I feel awkward even now..
I read a blog today.. http://www.tyronepierre.com “You’re As Beautiful As The Moon” and it was a beautiful read about body types and shapes.. and I’m not gonna tell the rest go the link and read for yourself.. it’s really nice..
So Drea and I working on my outside.. and Jesus is working on the inside.. so I’m be alright..
I remember a song from years ago.. I was driving home from work.. and the song said I miss our time together.. it was a song about Jesus and spending time with Him.. see me and Jesus have always been close .. but when I got a job after my second child.. I didn’t spend as much time with Him.. reading His word and just talking to Him..
Someone said “that which you are passionate about you will invest time in.” So I got back on track with Jesus and He and I became my best friend again.. and we stayed close for years.. but I walk away again..
I realize like I have said before with this depression.. I gave up on everything and everyone.. even the source of my strength God the Father.. I look at my day and I have all this time on my hands.. but out twenty four hours.. I can be real and say at the most I give God the Father fifteen minutes a day..
What kind of relationship is that.. a poor one.. I have lost sight of the lover of my soul The Father.. who said “no good thing will I withhold from them that walk uprightly.” (Psalm 84:11) Who tells us ” Casting all your care upon Him; for he careth for you.” ( 1 Peter 5:7)
Like the Prodigal Son in Luke 15: 11-32.. I have come to my senses and I just wanna come home to my Father.. the son said in verse 19) I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servant. The whole time the son had been gone.. the Father had been looking and waiting for his return.. and instead of condemning the son.. The Father celebrated the return of his son..
Jeremiah 3:14 “Turn, O backsliding children, saith the Lord; for I am married unto you:”
Father I am ready to come home.. help me Father where my day begins and ends with You.. that you’re thoughts will become my thoughts.. You’re ways my ways.. that we will again grow together as ONE.. Map out my days center around You.. and keep my mind from wondering.. In Jesus name , Amen