No Strength Left

Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..

I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..

Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..

I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..

I pray I will stay strong..

The Original Me Ann

Hello

It’s been a minute.. and so much has happened but I wanted to let the Blogosphere know that I’m still here.. they say setback sets you up for a comeback.. well I should be on top of the world soon..

Remember guys the holidays are the hardest when those dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts .. so keep watchful eyes on your family, friends, co-workers even a stranger that you may come in contact with.. as hard as it maybe for those of us to believe that someone cares us they do..

So as you go through out your day always look for ways to show yourself friendly and if you can give nothing else but a smile ,a listening ear ,as you walk away a warm hug.. and a genuine I’m praying with you.. just know it may save someone life..

I’ve been thinking about you “Say what you mean” praying all is well..

Blessings to you in Blogosphere

The Original Me Ann

Photo Pinterest

#Icantbreathe

Craving

 

imageThe craving want stop.. no matter how hard I try.. it’s a constant begging from my body to make the pain go away.. what do I say no you can’t have it, not today.. when the pain is so bad that it wakes me up.. craving something to make it go away..

When will the craving stop.. when will I be whole again.. I don’t know all I know is for now the craving is killing me..

The Original Me Ann

Pinterest Picture

No Edit

Lesson from the Squirrel 

Sitting out here in my yard watching the wind blow but yet I can’t see the wind.. I imagine this is what life will be like years later just me managing to make it to the back yard and sit.. 

Sometimes when I think of getting older like in my eighty and life slowing down I use to be afraid of the loneliness but I have faced it for so long I will have mastered it..

I don’t so much think of it as loneliness anymore but just me and The Father enjoying the sun and the breeze and it’s nice today is not dealing with people.. 

Where I can just sit and look at my and the one squirrel that’s seem to have made it his home.. it’s crazy how they neither seem to worry or care about tomorrow such a simple life they have..

Maybe we can learn from the squirrel.. to know that there will be days that I will look nutty and dig around but I will do it at my own pace and time.. and it’s okay to be alone just don’t be lonely Ann.. always live in the moment..

The Original Me Ann

Picture ~ Squirrel on the fence can you see him

Can I Scream

Just getting off the phone with my mortgage company.. I could freakin scream.. I say God I wanna everything to be used for your glory.. but when you say that it’s like all hell breaks loose..

All I want is my kitchen fixed from the fire damage that happened almost a year ago.. and every document submitted is wrong.. so of course my Chronic Depression has kick in I’m freaking crying on the phone not just about my kitchen.. but I went to the grocery and ended up calling my son because it was too much physically and emotionally.. the injection to burn the nerves in my back has done something to the muscles above my knees and now it’s like I have muscle spasms in it.. its like I’m damn if I do or don’t.. I feel emotionally drained.. but enough about me..

Last month I focused on schizophrenia.. I learned that the voices are real.. I learned a lot from following Schizophrenia 548.. that’s  www.schizophrenia548.com  I like how he writes his blog and that he shares about the voices and what he does to quiet them down.. Even if you’re like me and don’t have schizophrenia.. at least I don’t think I do check him..

This month I will be learning about PTSD.. so here wishing for a great rest of the day.. Stay strong and bless.. and guess what there is a silver lining in the midst of our storms..

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The Original Me Ann..

No I didn’t edit..

Photo.. I probably already posted this one..