Realizing Love

imageI finally realized that he can never give me.. what he has never been shown.. I realize that he can only give me .. what he has been taught to give..

I look into eyes for him to show me love.. I will not find it.. I will not feel it in his touch or the way he makes love to my body.. for he doesn’t know how to hold me.. how to caress my body.. or just lay my head on his shoulder.. he is incapable of giving me the love I desire that my body craves.. our love making will never be gentle and passionate.. no finding each other bodies in the dark.. after a day of feeling beat downs by cares of life.. no holding each other tight or our hands exploring each body.. no sense of oneness as we bring each other to ecstasy..

I realize he is incapable of loving me.. the way I desire to be loved.. he may say it’s a life of the street.. or that he never saw love.. he may even say this is me.. accept me as I am..

But in my heart of heart .. I know in order to truly love some ones body.. you must first love yourself.. I know that love is not an experience of aggression every time.. and I know that both partners are supposed to enjoy it.. I know making love is different from sex.. but I don’t think he ever learned the difference.. or could it just be that he never loved Me..

original me..

 

picture-black art

Blog Update

imageHey Blogosphere.. I set a goal for the month of December to have a ūüíĮ follower by the end of the month.. and I have met that goal today..

I am learning if you wanna be a great blogger.. it takes commitment and time.. with having all thing chronic with me.. and spending time with the grand babies.. I have been going back and forth to doctors.. trying to get some kind of relief in my back and legs..

So that has taken away from my writing as much.. but I am about to start back putting in more time.. because I find when I don’t write my emotions get all out of whack.. and I find myself sinking deeper into depression..

I say all this to say I don’t just want to be a blogger.. my goal is to be that blogger that people look for.. gives insight and wisdom into a life of depression or chronic pain.. that encourages you in the word of God.. and let you know we are all a work in progress.. yea I am gonna be that Blogger that learned all the ins and outs and passed it along to other bloggers..

I’ve been blogging going on four months.. so yea I am proud that I set small goals and I reach them.. this just my transformation journey from crawling out of a hole.. back into the light..

original me

The Dumpster

imageI use to always wanna go dumpster diving.. but I could never get my kids to do it with me.. I heard of all the good stuff you find in dumpster.. in rich neighborhoods and college students.. but for the last three years..

I feel like I have been dumpster diving.. I am at the bottom of the dumpster.. and instead of diving .. I am drowning in my own garbage.. I had allowed fear and doubt to be thrown in my dumpster.. I look around and I see depression at the very top.. along with pain and anxiety.. I turned around and I see despair and hopelessness.. I turned to the other side and I see loneliness and unrest.. I look down at my feet and I see something shiny..

I really see can’t it.. ¬†so I get down on my knees and I see prayer.. and¬†I can reach it..

So I began to move stuff around.. and I see mercy¬†and grace¬†as they embrace me..to the side I see salvation¬†in His¬†hand and I grab it.. and I continue to move stuff there is forgivenesses¬†and I jump as it wraps itself around me.. I bump up against peace¬†that transcends all understand.. and the more I’m moving stuff around the closer.. I get to the top..

I thought I was moving stuff around.. but stuff was moving in me.. everything I needed to overcome..  all the trash that had been dumped into my dumpster.. the closer I looked the more I could see Jesus.. was still here with me at my lowest.. right in the dumpster with me..

What’s in your dumpster? Don’t give up just start moving stuff around..

TIRED

They say knowledge is the key to everything..

imageI’m tired of trying to take care and motivate everyone but me.. I feel like I’m still looking after my husband.. even though we have not lived in the same house for almost five years.. I feel I am still responsible for him.. trying make sure that he is staying out of trouble.. I want go into details but let’s just say .. he has no common sense but is smart..

I was supposed to be his strength.. I was supposed to be the head.. behind the scenes.. like I said I have always been strong minded.. but at the time you were asking a twenty-four year too be in charge of almost forty year old.. who was an alcoholic.. and not only be in charge of him but our two sons.. and hide my panic attacks.. that came out of nowhere..

I didn’t even know what was going on .. I just know this feeling would come over me.. and I thought I was going to die.. I thought I was demon possessed.. because I had no knowledge of Anxiety.. but when my uncle died unexpectedly.. that’s when they began and I never told my family for years.. I was suffering and trying to seem normal..

Now I feel like I have to be here .. for my grandchildren.. I want to scream at my son for not being the father.. he was raised to be.. are maybe he is .. I have to say no because my husband, his father worked everyday.. and did everything he could to support his family.. so I don’t know where my son or young people think that the world owns them something.. I ask him what example are you sitting for your sons.. the same thing I used to ask my husband with his drinking..

I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me from everyone.. because no one can sees my pain.. how hard it is for me to pick up my Chunk Chunk.. and running after my Love Bugg.. and just walking upstairs when Kohen wants to show his grandma something.. is awful but I do it anyway..

I really don’t know if they don’t see it.. are they are just selfish as hell.. my head is killing me.. and I want drive until I run out of gas.. but I would only get out the driveway..

Just oneday I want my FREAKING PAIN and DEPRESSION acknowledged.. and from them to say Mom I don’t know how you do it.. but I am here for you.. are that mom you have come along way with your depression.. I know it’s hard for you but you got up today..

I do have my oldest son to lean on.. but I feel like he already has the weight of the world on him taking care of me.. I’ve cried so many times on his shoulders.. and he has been right here beside me.. not a selfish bone in His chocolate body.. he would literally give you the shirt off his back.. He is my rock.. but I am just tired of feeling like a burden to him.. which he said I’m not..

I woke up to a beautiful morning.. a warm day with the sun shining.. so what has happened..

I am just TRIED..

Original me