I thought about you today longer than I should have.. I thought nice it would be to lay down and let the water cover me.. to feel your cold embrace and let it swallow me up.. I thought how nice it would be to be free from this life and pass on to the next.. letting go of the pain and the hurt.. letting go of feeling like my mind will never be the same.. a body that no longer listens to me but has a mind of its on.. no longer can I be the one thing that has kept me going a grandma.. because I allowed words without thought to escape my mouth.. words that were full of hate and anger.. that were meant to hurt another person who I love dearly.. so I allowed my words to possibly destroy instead of heal.. so in process of causing her pain.. I began to see my own.. and yes I wanted to be at peace to escape from my pain, my hurt, my words that crushed another’s person spirit.. sometimes we take the easy way so they say.. and sometimes we just feel like the world would be a better place if there was no ME..
The Original Me Ann..
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Before I start my morning devotion.. I want to apologize for not checking my email and staying in touch.. each blog that I follow is important to me.. and I’m apologiz for my shortcomings.. I went off my schedule and believe me that’s very important to a blogger.. but it’s important to reach out to others.. I could make excuses and say I hit rock bottom with my depression.. and I stop realizing it’s encouraging each other that gets us through..
My soul is sad today.. I don’t know why.. tears streaming down like a river.. no one to call, no one to lay my head on.. no one to call my own.. you’d think by now I’d be used to it.. you’d think that I’d be strong enough to walk alone.. but I’m not.. I hate when it hits me and I can’t shake it off.. I hate being depressed and days like today when I don’t want to fight it.. when I wanna wrap up in it’s loneliness.. and let it cover me like my favorite blanket.. when I don’t want to breathe are hold on for anyone.. when I’ve encouraged everyone and I look around and theirs no one to encourage me.. and today the fight is to hard.. so I sit in my state of depression and pray that tomorrow will be a better day.. a day that I realize loneliness like everything else doesn’t last forever.. and dreams do come true.. and one day God will give me to some one to share my every- thing I am with..
We pray and ask God to keep and protect the ones we love.. we ask Him for blessing after blessing.. but do we Worship Him..
I thank God that I can see me coming through.. Yall just don’t know it’s been along hard road.. I stayed in the valley longer than I should have.. but God didn’t give up on me, He just let me wonder around lost until I decided to return home.. that’s the great thing about God.. He said he would never leave us or forsake us and He meant it (Joshua 1:5)(Matthew 28:20)..
I guess I have been a ghost today.. trying to finish up Christmas shopping.. my oldest son and I went because he pays attention to my facial expressions.. and knows how painful it is for me for walking and standing.. I am so grateful for that young man.. he always manages to make me laugh at myself..
Where are you.. why can’t I find you.. where have you gone.. why do you no longer answer to the name that made you strong.. why did you let it die.. don’t you know the name you was given was your strength.. was your ability to fight.. to stand and demand to be heard.. your name was your pride and joy.. it drew people to you.. and made you who are.. your name gave smiles too many.. even when the called you Angy.. you knew that Ann was there .. ready to fight for any done wrong.. many wanted you to let her go because they know what was in your name.. they’ve heard the stories and seen the battle scars.. afraid of no one near are far.. so where am I, you ask.. right here coming back from the grave .. buried beneath things that have made even me shame.. but no longer will I stay dead.. for I have come to know.. what’s in my name..
Out crawls Ann.. 