I thought about you today longer than I should have.. I thought nice it would be to lay down and let the water cover me.. to feel your cold embrace and let it swallow me up.. I thought how nice it would be to be free from this life and pass on to the next.. letting go of the pain and the hurt.. letting go of feeling like my mind will never be the same.. a body that no longer listens to me but has a mind of its on.. no longer can I be the one thing that has kept me going a grandma.. because I allowed words without thought to escape my mouth.. words that were full of hate and anger.. that were meant to hurt another person who I love dearly.. so I allowed my words to possibly destroy instead of heal.. so in process of causing her pain.. I began to see my own.. and yes I wanted to be at peace to escape from my pain, my hurt, my words that crushed another’s person spirit.. sometimes we take the easy way so they say.. and sometimes we just feel like the world would be a better place if there was no ME..
No matter what’s going.. are what will face know this God is in control.. my personal belief is yes we are going to see hard times.. because I can not get past “make America great again”.. so I pray that God peace surrounds us.. that we ever watchful for not just ourselves but our neighbors.. remember if it can happen to one minority it can happen to all of us ..
Before I start my morning devotion.. I want to apologize for not checking my email and staying in touch.. each blog that I follow is important to me.. and I’m apologiz for my shortcomings.. I went off my schedule and believe me that’s very important to a blogger.. but it’s important to reach out to others.. I could make excuses and say I hit rock bottom with my depression.. and I stop realizing it’s encouraging each other that gets us through..
My soul is sad today.. I don’t know why.. tears streaming down like a river.. no one to call, no one to lay my head on.. no one to call my own.. you’d think by now I’d be used to it.. you’d think that I’d be strong enough to walk alone.. but I’m not.. I hate when it hits me and I can’t shake it off.. I hate being depressed and days like today when I don’t want to fight it.. when I wanna wrap up in it’s loneliness.. and let it cover me like my favorite blanket.. when I don’t want to breathe are hold on for anyone.. when I’ve encouraged everyone and I look around and theirs no one to encourage me.. and today the fight is to hard.. so I sit in my state of depression and pray that tomorrow will be a better day.. a day that I realize loneliness like everything else doesn’t last forever.. and dreams do come true.. and one day God will give me to some one to share my every- thing I am with..
I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread (Psalm 37:25)
I thank God that as his children we don’t have to be lost not only will He make away for us but or seed also.. No the Believer walk is a easy one but I have faith to know that God is right here beside me.. even on my darkest days He continues to hold my hand.. even when my flesh raises up He is still God of my life..
I thank God that I can see me coming through.. Yall just don’t know it’s been along hard road.. I stayed in the valley longer than I should have.. but God didn’t give up on me, He just let me wonder around lost until I decided to return home.. that’s the great thing about God.. He said he would never leave us or forsake us and He meant it (Joshua 1:5)(Matthew 28:20)..
I felt like I would never see me again.. but the devil is a lie.. because when I hear things that come out of my mouth.. I know I’m here and I’m back in full force..
I’m learning everything happens for a reason.. I know that I have a chemical imbalance and I feel that has a lot to do with my depression which is unfortunately something that’s apart of my life.. so that I can help others.. but it was never meant for me to live in it.. does that mean I won’t have days where I will want to lock the world, family and friends out, no of course I will.. will there be days that I cried, yes.. but I will no longer ask why me God.. but instead why not me.. it’s okay to have those days but it’s how we handle them that counts..
Have a Depression Survival Kit ready
Pray your favorite scriptures
Have a pick me up friend.. someone who makes you laugh..
Get up wash your hair, shower, and brush your teeth..
Walk to the front door open it and breathe in and out..
Listen to upbeat music.. for me I love gospel rap..
Eat at least one well balanced meal..
Do something nice for someone else.. to take your mind off of you..
Curl up in your favorite throw.. and catch up on reading blog post..
Rest, regroup and know it’s okay to feel the way you do.. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day..
What are some of your depression survival tools that you use.. feel free to share them in the comment box..
I guess I have been a ghost today.. trying to finish up Christmas shopping.. my oldest son and I went because he pays attention to my facial expressions.. and knows how painful it is for me for walking and standing.. I am so grateful for that young man.. he always manages to make me laugh at myself..
Life is so strange.. the very person you want to hate.. you find yourself thinking of them.. and you find yourself having feelings that you don’t want to have.. but all you can do is realize.. nothing happens in a day or even a week for that matter.. it’s like grieving over someone you lost.. that you invested so much time to.. only to hear all you are to me is my friend.. and on a goodnight you can be my Bitch.. to hear I would never abuse anyone like that.. not anyone but especially not you.. it was all a big misunderstanding.. and I’m sorry..
Yes life is strange but what I am I gonna do.. I refuse to lay down and give up on true love coming to me.. yeah I’ll patiently wait to be unwrapped because I am the Gift..
Where are you.. why can’t I find you.. where have you gone.. why do you no longer answer to the name that made you strong.. why did you let it die.. don’t you know the name you was given was your strength.. was your ability to fight.. to stand and demand to be heard.. your name was your pride and joy.. it drew people to you.. and made you who are.. your name gave smiles too many.. even when the called you Angy.. you knew that Ann was there .. ready to fight for any done wrong.. many wanted you to let her go because they know what was in your name.. they’ve heard the stories and seen the battle scars.. afraid of no one near are far.. so where am I, you ask.. right here coming back from the grave .. buried beneath things that have made even me shame.. but no longer will I stay dead.. for I have come to know.. what’s in my name..
Ann is back.. so get ready .. some may say you sound crazy today.. Crazy no, I just know that I thought I buried Ann some almost four years ago.. but God has made me realize that she is still alive .. I just had to get her out the trash, dust her off and let some people go.. some will not understand this post.. but I’m know for sure too many will..
I have been feeling awful since I started taking Percocet for the pain.. and it’s not really helping the pain.. so I decided to just leave it alone..
Its like my depression is at a all time high which I didn’t expect it would be this bad.. but my mental chemical system is set up.. where as most people Percocet would make them feel high.. well for me it’s a downer but that’s with any simulators.. what a life right.. so anyway I’ll go back to my Ibuprofen 800.. at least the headaches will go away and maybe my sleeping pill will start back working.. like I said I am still in constant pain anyway.. but enough of this..
Well as you know Christmas is fast approaching.. and Kohen has been play can I guess the presents under the tree.. which is funny because I have none of his present under the tree yet..but yet every thing he names is either for him or his brothers.. even the bags from bath and body.. but anyway here is how the rest of my evening went.. I find even when I wanna feel sorry for myself.. I don’t have time.. too busy being a Great Grandma..
Kohen at basketball practice.. another laughable season is upon us..