I finally realized that he can never give me.. what he has never been shown.. I realize that he can only give me .. what he has been taught to give..
I look into eyes for him to show me love.. I will not find it.. I will not feel it in his touch or the way he makes love to my body.. for he doesn’t know how to hold me.. how to caress my body.. or just lay my head on his shoulder.. he is incapable of giving me the love I desire that my body craves.. our love making will never be gentle and passionate.. no finding each other bodies in the dark.. after a day of feeling beat downs by cares of life.. no holding each other tight or our hands exploring each body.. no sense of oneness as we bring each other to ecstasy..
I realize he is incapable of loving me.. the way I desire to be loved.. he may say it’s a life of the street.. or that he never saw love.. he may even say this is me.. accept me as I am..
But in my heart of heart .. I know in order to truly love some ones body.. you must first love yourself.. I know that love is not an experience of aggression every time.. and I know that both partners are supposed to enjoy it.. I know making love is different from sex.. but I don’t think he ever learned the difference.. or could it just be that he never loved Me..
I use to always wanna go dumpster diving.. but I could never get my kids to do it with me.. I heard of all the good stuff you find in dumpster.. in rich neighborhoods and college students.. but for the last three years..
I feel like I have been dumpster diving.. I am at the bottom of the dumpster.. and instead of diving .. I am drowning in my own garbage.. I had allowed fear and doubt to be thrown in my dumpster.. I look around and I see depression at the very top.. along with pain and anxiety.. I turned around and I see despair and hopelessness.. I turned to the other side and I see loneliness and unrest.. I look down at my feet and I see something shiny..
I really see can’t it.. so I get down on my knees and I see prayer.. and I can reach it..
So I began to move stuff around.. and I see mercy and grace as they embrace me..to the side I see salvation in His hand and I grab it.. and I continue to move stuff there is forgivenesses and I jump as it wraps itself around me.. I bump up against peace that transcends all understand.. and the more I’m moving stuff around the closer.. I get to the top..
I thought I was moving stuff around.. but stuff was moving in me.. everything I needed to overcome.. all the trash that had been dumped into my dumpster.. the closer I looked the more I could see Jesus.. was still here with me at my lowest.. right in the dumpster with me..
What’s in your dumpster? Don’t give up just start moving stuff around..