Battle

Will it ever stop.. are will this is life forever.. the days of being care free have been long gone.. the laughter is only enjoyed for a second.. the smile that tries to hide the pain, the disappointment of the life you dream of gone in a matter of minutes to no fault of your own but it’s always in the back of your mind did I do something wrong..

Will the battle ever end.. Battles of tears that fall uncontrollably.. Battles to put one foot in front of the other.. Battles to hold on when you wanna give up..

Battles that you must win if not for yourself.. for the ones who are fighting the Battle with you..

The Original Me Ann

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No Strength Left

Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..

I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..

Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..

I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..

I pray I will stay strong..

The Original Me Ann

Social Media

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Social Media the story of our lives.. I was thinking this morning as I got ready for church how much I miss Facebook.. but like I said it was taking up a lot of my time that I could be using to for other things like blogging.. 

Now I here you saying well it’s blogging social media.. Well yes, yes it is.. but when I started blogging I found people like me that wasn’t afraid to write about not having all together.. I found people writing about the latest fashion to people wrestling depression, with so many unresolved issues.. It help me to realize that what I share with Facebook probably want get a lot of likes because my audience consists of people who can not admit to they self that they don’t have it all together so of course if you keep it real they can’t possibly like your status.. I look at Facebook as Fakebook a lot of fake people pretending they have it all together.. you know the ones you friends on Facebook but when they see you at church they walk over you to speak to someone else that’s right Fakebook.. I think that’s all I have to say about that.. I hope I’m not sounding judgmental because I have no Heaven or hell to put anyone in.. Like I said they may never like your status but that doesn’t mean they don’t like or most of all can’t relate that’s the problem they can relate but it must remain there secret..

Now getting back to blogging when you live sickness beyond your control and you find the walls closing .. you for ways to exist to feel, to find someone anyone who can relate to you, who can feel your pain.. so you search out Social Media, well at least I did and I found the Blogosphere a world of so many different people all searching their stories and I became one them..

The Original Me Ann

I AM THAT ONE

#Fiftyknowledge

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Hey Lady

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I can’t get you out of my thoughts.. especially when I’m not feeling good.. I try to think of your home remedies and use them.. beyond being sick physical I’m just feeling blah grandma..

I was teaching Drea how to make Lasagna and you just popped in my head.. how you use to love my Lasagna and then you started making your own and it was good too. Drea still mad cause I can’t make that beef and rice like you.. maybe one day I will get it right.. but it will never taste like yours..

I miss you so much Lady.. How could one woman have so many grandchildren and make them all feel special.. I don’t know how you didn’t but you did.. You were a nurse, doctor, psychologist, chef ,home maker, a wife , a mother of ten and numerous grandchildren and great grand.. and you loved us all.. I miss my best friend.. I miss the one who made it all better because you said it would be.. I love you Louise with all my heart..

The Original Me Ann..

No Me

imageI thought about you today longer than I should have.. I thought nice it would be to lay down and let the water cover me.. to feel your cold embrace and let it swallow me up.. I thought how nice it would be to be free from this life and pass on to the next.. letting go of the pain and the hurt.. letting go of feeling like my mind will never be the same.. a body that no longer listens to me but has a mind of its on.. no longer can I be the one thing that has kept me going a grandma.. because I allowed words without thought to escape my mouth.. words that were full of hate and anger.. that were meant to hurt another person who I love dearly.. so I allowed my words to possibly destroy instead of heal.. so in process of causing her pain.. I began to see my own.. and yes I wanted to be at peace to escape from my pain, my hurt, my words that crushed another’s person spirit.. sometimes we take the easy way so they say.. and sometimes we just feel like the world would be a better place if there was no ME..

The Original Me Ann..

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Examine Myself

imageAll this time I was hating you.. I was hating me.. I was hating you for not loving me .. but I didn’t love me either so how did I know what love was.. I was hating you for leaving me but I left me along time ago.. All this time I was hurting over you.. I was really hurting over me and the reflection of the self I saw in the mirror.. all the time I was blaming you.. I should have been blaming me.. blaming me for the control I gave to you over me..

See I finally see just as you gave nothing to me.. you took nothing from me without my permission.. it was me that willingly looked the other way as you tore what little self esteem I had apart.. It was me that allowed you to choke away everything that I was without ever touching me.. I realize that I gave you permission to destroy me day after day by allowing your words to cut deep than any mark I could ever put on myself.. my words built you up and yours made me question the very essence of my womanhood.. 

I learned no matter how I wanna hate you.. and I do.. I no longer blame you.. the blame lies at my feet.. see hating you releases me from examining me.. it releases me from finding me.. only when I examine myself can I find self love and healing for my soul.. FOR THEY DO NOTHING WITH OUT OUR PERMISSION..

The Original Me Ann..

My relationship Notes..

 

Please Accept

imageBefore I start my morning devotion.. I want to apologize for not checking my email and staying in touch.. each blog that I follow is important to me.. and I’m apologiz for my shortcomings.. I went off my schedule and believe me that’s very important to a blogger.. but it’s important to reach out to others.. I could make excuses and say I hit rock bottom with my depression.. and I stop realizing it’s encouraging each other that gets us through..

The Original Me Ann..

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