The Grab, Sista

imageI know I can’t kill him but there is apart of me that wants too.. apart of me that hates him as much as I love him.. apart that hates most of all what I have become.. he has started jerking my hair and grabbing my arms.. he pulled my hair so hard my my neck and the back of my head still hurts.. Sista gurl what am I to do is this the beginning of physical abuse.. I saw my momma go through a lot but one thing I never saw was a man put his hands on her.. and get away with it.. I remember when we were young and my step daddy would get drunk.. and the fighting would start.. until one day enough was enough and she put him out.. divorce him and raised her five kids on her own.. and I am my mothers daughter but damn what has happened to me..

Sista gurl, I hate him yet I can’t let go.. what the freak is wrong with me.. I know this not my life not the life I plan.. by my fifty birthday I was supposed to retire early with my husband.. and walk around the house naked.. until we had company.. but now Sista look at my life.. a husband who I left because I thought I missed out on my youth and I did.. but I learned the hard way you can never go back.. I should still be able to enjoy life but if it’s not physical pain, then it’s mental.. even on days that start out good like today.. always end up being just another bad dream.. I long to wake up from this nightmare.. I call my life..

I looked him dead in his face and said we are DONE.. he started to talk but I stopped him by saying there is nothing left to discuss.. because I knew if I let him talk.. the next time he would not just pull my hair are grab my arm while I’m driving.. but it would be not only my mom and step dad but me and my husband.. see I’m a custom to the fighting , abuse and everything that comes with it..

All I can do is pray for every batter woman and man out there.. and remember to take it one second at a time..

original me

REBLOG

imageI’ve been thinking long and hard about this so I said let me get my feelings out.. I read a blog a few days ago that woke up so many emotions in me that I had buried.. I was going reblog it but I had my grandson the one and a half year old.. and you know at that age they are a handful.. so anyway I deleted the email and didn’t reblog it.. I’m learning when I’m gonna do something to do it right then..I know it came from HaRsH ReAlItY aopinionatedman.com.. He has a really great blog about adoption and is very helpful.. Thanks Jason.. anyway I read her story and it was like what was in me.. I remember one part she had boyfriends.. and when I wrote my blog I put I had a boyfriend keyword being (a).. anyway I read a blog about copying from other bloggers.. and it bothers me because I felt she was me to a point.. I didn’t have an abusive father.. I didn’t have a father.. the one thing I wanted so badly.. and all I heard my whole life is you like just like your daddy.. well where the freak was he when I need him to show me.. how a man should treat a woman.. how a man should love and protect you.. where was the man I look just like.. sorry getting back to the reblogging..

I never want another blogger to think that I would take from their pain and use it as mine.. excuse the language but hell I have enough pain, anger, bitterness, hurt  buried down inside.. I don’t need anyone else’s..

I will say the major of the people I follow are like me broken so of course we are going to read blogs that probably bring up similar pain.. and we will blog about OUR PAIN..

So just setting the record straight.. I am a writer..I have enough of my own issues that I don’t need anyone else’s to write about.. I am not a thief therefore I DO NOT steal.. I have SEPERATION ANXIETY.. just to let you know.. so don’t leave me.. (joke) but for real don’t.. And like I said this my THERAPY.. and my chance to find ME again.. I know I am in HERE.. just buried beneath a lot of what I call demons.. and lastly I AM AN A ORIGINAL.. ORIGINAL ME!! That’s mine so don’t steal it.. I would do the laughing emoji.. but the say that emojis are forbidden in the BLOOSPHERE.. 

originalme..

Love

I love how no matter what you can’t stop time from going by.. I love how know matter how hard you try, you can’t stop the pain from coming.. I love how you walk away just to get snatched back in.. I love that all the dreams you dream are nothing more than dreams.. I love that the same person you love, you can also hate.. I love that no one may get this poem but me..