So how do I began this story. I will start here at the heart of things. I have always loved my breast . I mean it’s part of what makes up the woman’s body. It’s what we wait for as teenagers to say hey my body developing into womanhood. I for one have always loved mine . I had very big breast that was hard on my neck and shoulders then I had a reduction.. and I still loved them small.. it took some adjusting for my family to get use too.. but now the thought of not having any at all scares me.. of course I know I’m not my breast.. and it’s the only way that I will feel at ease with this LCIS is to Illuminates the problem and give myself a better chance of not developing breast cancer.. yes there are other options but I just don’t feel like I could take the waiting ever six months or the cancer pill.. so I know I’m making the best decision for me and family..
I just wish that I could just get my life back to normal.. I keep telling myself that this is not how my story ends.. that I will experience the goodness of Jehovah in the land of the living for death and the grave can not praise Him or tell of His mercy.. so I have believe that my day is coming where I will share my testimony of His goodness.. of His favor over my life..
The Original Ann
I can’t remember the last time I posted here.. It’s been awhile since I have shared my feelings with no judgement..
Well a lot has changed.. and yet something are the same..
One I’m finally out a bad relationship.. I have let him go completely with the help of God.. I didn’t try and kill my self last year so that’s always good.. but there are days that my mind wants to give but I refuse to let it.. so yes I still suffer from chronic depression..
I still have chronic pain all over my body that has only gotten worse but I’m still able to move and walk.. I just stay very tired but I know that is apart of the sickness..
To add to the story I have LCIS which is pre-cancerous.. So that’s what’s new in my life.. I will add to this everyday my faith is stronger.. I love Jehovah so much..
The wind blows and no one knows where it goes or where comes from.. nobody thinks that they to will one day blow away too..
I think about how time changes everything the body and the mind.. I think about the days gone by and time wasted.. years lost and days gone by..
I think of the years to come even the weeks.. and I wonder what will happen to me.. I wonder if the day will come when I can no longer write my thoughts down.. will the day come that I no longer use my legs to stand or feet to walk..
I think about the book of Job when he said the one thing I feared the most has come upon me.. So I try not fear what will happen to me.. try not think will the day come when I long to feel the pain in my body because all is numb..
I think being chronically ill physically and mentally is the worse thing can ever happen to a person but at the same time I’m know there is so much worse.. and the guilt comes of knowing that there are people who can not feel, who are dying from cancer and other diseases, people who don’t have a place to live or food to eat for that matter clean drinking water in this country.. I feel like I’m being selfish for even considering my pain..
When all hope is lost and the only hope I have is Jesus.. I have to take him at His word that He is my Divine Healer.. and even when I feel all hope is lost.. I still must trust God to deliver on time.. even when the winds blows and I don’t know where it comes from.. I still know the Source..
The Original Me Ann
Will it ever stop.. are will this is life forever.. the days of being care free have been long gone.. the laughter is only enjoyed for a second.. the smile that tries to hide the pain, the disappointment of the life you dream of gone in a matter of minutes to no fault of your own but it’s always in the back of your mind did I do something wrong..
Will the battle ever end.. Battles of tears that fall uncontrollably.. Battles to put one foot in front of the other.. Battles to hold on when you wanna give up..
Battles that you must win if not for yourself.. for the ones who are fighting the Battle with you..
The Original Me Ann
Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..
I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..
Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..
I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..
I pray I will stay strong..
The Original Me Ann
Be careful to keep renewing your mind least you fall back into what you have been delivered from..
Don’t fool yourself it’s a everyday of building yourself up.. of telling yourself that you’re perfectly loved by the Perfect Jehovah God..
You must believe “you must believe that You are that One.. and most of all love yourself.. it’s transformation of your mind your greatest weapon..
The Original Me Ann
Set Me Free, Set Me Free Can’t you see I’m to weak to do it on my own.. Set Me Free.. Like the cage bird let me go.. Let me fly, let me see what might be with another.. Oh please Set Me Free.. Set Me Free.. Let me run again and smile against the embrace of the wind, the sun, then snow against my face.. Please Set Me Free.. Look into my eyes and just Please Set Me Free.. Let me hold the pencil in my hand and let the words flow free.. Set Me Free.. let me walk, jog or even run once more to train again for the 5k.. Oh Please Set Me Free.. let me be Me once more.. to feel, to see, to taste and touch.. I’m just asking you to please just Set Me Free..
The Original Me Ann..
Just something I was feeling about chronic pain.. the pain never goes away.. but you know what we’ve got to figure out ways to cope with our pain.. not because we want “some quality of life” every time the doctor tells me that I want to scream.. but because we deserve a full happy life..