REBLOG

imageI’ve been thinking long and hard about this so I said let me get my feelings out.. I read a blog a few days ago that woke up so many emotions in me that I had buried.. I was going reblog it but I had my grandson the one and a half year old.. and you know at that age they are a handful.. so anyway I deleted the email and didn’t reblog it.. I’m learning when I’m gonna do something to do it right then..I know it came from HaRsH ReAlItY aopinionatedman.com.. He has a really great blog about adoption and is very helpful.. Thanks Jason.. anyway I read her story and it was like what was in me.. I remember one part she had boyfriends.. and when I wrote my blog I put I had a boyfriend keyword being (a).. anyway I read a blog about copying from other bloggers.. and it bothers me because I felt she was me to a point.. I didn’t have an abusive father.. I didn’t have a father.. the one thing I wanted so badly.. and all I heard my whole life is you like just like your daddy.. well where the freak was he when I need him to show me.. how a man should treat a woman.. how a man should love and protect you.. where was the man I look just like.. sorry getting back to the reblogging..

I never want another blogger to think that I would take from their pain and use it as mine.. excuse the language but hell I have enough pain, anger, bitterness, hurt  buried down inside.. I don’t need anyone else’s..

I will say the major of the people I follow are like me broken so of course we are going to read blogs that probably bring up similar pain.. and we will blog about OUR PAIN..

So just setting the record straight.. I am a writer..I have enough of my own issues that I don’t need anyone else’s to write about.. I am not a thief therefore I DO NOT steal.. I have SEPERATION ANXIETY.. just to let you know.. so don’t leave me.. (joke) but for real don’t.. And like I said this my THERAPY.. and my chance to find ME again.. I know I am in HERE.. just buried beneath a lot of what I call demons.. and lastly I AM AN A ORIGINAL.. ORIGINAL ME!! That’s mine so don’t steal it.. I would do the laughing emoji.. but the say that emojis are forbidden in the BLOOSPHERE.. 

originalme..

My Life..

imageI try to write everyday because I know if I stop I want start back.. I started a transformation journey in March of this year.. with exercise, healthy eating, water and also getting my prayer life back.. but I am off the journey now for two months and I hate it.. that I can’t stay committed to things like I use to.. I find it hard to stay on task.. to do the daily chores and things my family need even though my kids are grown I find they still need me and I them.. which is good.. but it’s also hard because of the pain and depression.. I know that I gave my children a scare when I was suicidal and for that I am so sorry.. and ashamed of myself for being so weak.. I don’t know if I should say weak .. I just wanted the pain to go away.. and I thought my kids would be better off without me.. I wasn’t thinking of them are my grand babies to be born.. then I was only thinking of me.. and for that I am sorry.. My kids were scared to leave me alone and I was scared to be alone.. I know that it was Jehovah God who pulled me through my darkest moments along with my family.. I still have moments where I will have a thought but I push it back down.. I went to the hospital one time because I felt that I needed to regroup but once there I knew it was not for me.. I have a therapist and doctor now.. this my third therapist because the previous two who promised to stay with me left and I had to start all over again.. telling my story, releasing my pain.. which I hate.. I just want to go back to 2010 when I had my life, my job ( I hated), my grandma (best friend), life was not great but it was good.. and now I feel like I have lost everything.. and my physical pain is getting worse instead of better.. and depression is right there like it has a permanent place in my life.. as if telling me you’ll never be able to shake me this time..I’m here to stay so get use to me.. all I can do is pray and have faith that one day.. I will wake up and this will be just a bad dream..but now I wake up still thanking Jehovah the Father that it’s not as bad as it could be.. and I can still dance in the rain until the sun comes out.. and so many others can’t.. I wanna close saying this when I talk about being weak I’m speaking only of me and how it made and makes me feel.. I never want anyone who is suicidal or depressed to think you are weak .. are not strong enough to make cause you and I are still here .. just take it one second at a time because like I always say that’s all we really have here is a second which turns into minutes which turns into hours which turns into a day which turns into days which turns into weeks which turns into into months which turns into into years..so try not to over think it and I know it’s hard..but we got this.. I promise!!