Craving

 

imageThe craving want stop.. no matter how hard I try.. it’s a constant begging from my body to make the pain go away.. what do I say no you can’t have it, not today.. when the pain is so bad that it wakes me up.. craving something to make it go away..

When will the craving stop.. when will I be whole again.. I don’t know all I know is for now the craving is killing me..

The Original Me Ann

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Ann

imageAnn,

Just stopping by to check on you.. I know you didn’t like what the neurologist said today.. that’s there nothing else they can do for you.. so refer to your pain management doctor or your surgeon.. I know you feel like it’s spreading and you’re concerned.. you feel like the doctors are not listening to you.. I know it’s hard not cry.. and curl up in the bed and stay there.. but instead you’re writing scripture and reading the Bible.. and believing Jehovah..

The Original Me Ann..

And when He had come into the house, His disciples ask Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” So He said to them, “This kind come out by nothing but prayer and fasting (Mark 9:28-29).

 

Fighting Back

imageI packed in a haste so I could leave before he got back.. I look around at what I was leaving behind the mansion on the hill, the cars, ocean views that people only dream of, money, and the fame of being the wife of one of the worlds top surgeon.. I was walking away from a life most women would die for and I thought I would too..

I from being treated like a delicate flower.. being able to hang out with the girl friends and volunteering at the hospital, seeing family on a regular basis, lunch dates with old college mates and church functions..

Everything changed so fast after the I do’s.. I went from being the love of his life .. to his prisoner in a matter of months.. I went from being adored to tortured.. my every moment was accounted for.. I had a time limit for everything I did..

I don’t know what happened I came home one day like normal after a lunch date with the girls.. and I was met at the door by him, shouting where have you been.. who is he.. I ask who is who baby, you know this is the day the girls and I go to lunch.. what is the matter with you I asked.. he looked at me and grab me by my arm and started shaking me.. screaming I know you’ve been with a man.. by this time I am crying and I ask him are you crazy.. I love you and only you.. I thought that might as settle him down.. but he just stared at me like I was lying to him..

Thats when everything changed.. and the beating began first it was a black eye.. then the choking but that wasn’t the worse part.. I think the name calling was the worse than the bruises because they went away but names lingered in my head forever..

Picture- http://www.indulgy.com

Fighting Back Part 1

The Original Me Ann..

To Be Continued

 

CanYou Help Me, Sista Gurl

imageI think I have been validated in the worse possible way a woman can be.. I think I was raped.. but if I know him and I have a on going relationship with him .. is it rape sista..

I told him NO.. I told him to STOP.. I told him just let me go home.. and yet he forced his self on me.. calling me names, saying I could leave and not letting me.. and starting it all over again.. humiliating me and making me feel less than a woman.. he said I was his Bitch.. and for the first time I fear that I would truly be taken from my children, for my grandchildren.. He made me say that I was his Bitch.. do you know how humiliating that is for a woman, Sista..

But how is rape .. when I was there of my own free will.. even when it was over I did not leave.. I was told we was having good sex and I started crying.. but how is that when I said NO.. when I begged him to please stop.. why didn’t I leave.. why didn’t I call for help..

Sista, I don’t know what to think anymore.. this is all I can write for now.. my mind is a lost right now.. 

 

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Original me

TIRED

They say knowledge is the key to everything..

imageI’m tired of trying to take care and motivate everyone but me.. I feel like I’m still looking after my husband.. even though we have not lived in the same house for almost five years.. I feel I am still responsible for him.. trying make sure that he is staying out of trouble.. I want go into details but let’s just say .. he has no common sense but is smart..

I was supposed to be his strength.. I was supposed to be the head.. behind the scenes.. like I said I have always been strong minded.. but at the time you were asking a twenty-four year too be in charge of almost forty year old.. who was an alcoholic.. and not only be in charge of him but our two sons.. and hide my panic attacks.. that came out of nowhere..

I didn’t even know what was going on .. I just know this feeling would come over me.. and I thought I was going to die.. I thought I was demon possessed.. because I had no knowledge of Anxiety.. but when my uncle died unexpectedly.. that’s when they began and I never told my family for years.. I was suffering and trying to seem normal..

Now I feel like I have to be here .. for my grandchildren.. I want to scream at my son for not being the father.. he was raised to be.. are maybe he is .. I have to say no because my husband, his father worked everyday.. and did everything he could to support his family.. so I don’t know where my son or young people think that the world owns them something.. I ask him what example are you sitting for your sons.. the same thing I used to ask my husband with his drinking..

I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me from everyone.. because no one can sees my pain.. how hard it is for me to pick up my Chunk Chunk.. and running after my Love Bugg.. and just walking upstairs when Kohen wants to show his grandma something.. is awful but I do it anyway..

I really don’t know if they don’t see it.. are they are just selfish as hell.. my head is killing me.. and I want drive until I run out of gas.. but I would only get out the driveway..

Just oneday I want my FREAKING PAIN and DEPRESSION acknowledged.. and from them to say Mom I don’t know how you do it.. but I am here for you.. are that mom you have come along way with your depression.. I know it’s hard for you but you got up today..

I do have my oldest son to lean on.. but I feel like he already has the weight of the world on him taking care of me.. I’ve cried so many times on his shoulders.. and he has been right here beside me.. not a selfish bone in His chocolate body.. he would literally give you the shirt off his back.. He is my rock.. but I am just tired of feeling like a burden to him.. which he said I’m not..

I woke up to a beautiful morning.. a warm day with the sun shining.. so what has happened..

I am just TRIED..

Original me

BACK at IT

Well I got this off Pinterest.. as you can see to help motivate me and I said why not share it on the blogosphere.. so here it is.. with me I was so use to fast weight lost.. I loved myself a diet pill but the problem with that without exercises.. are once I stopped exercising the weight came back..

imageI hope this will help me out thru the holidays.. especially the exercise part but I’m gonna push myself to walk everyday.. I started before by just taking it slowly.. and even breaking it up.. depending on how bad my back and legs were hurting.. I haven’t walked in three months for exercise.. when the grand babies came I got side tracked.. I know I can do it.. because I got to lose 30 lbs in 6 months.. and that’s more than achievable.. It’s just the getting started back like anything else is the hardest.. but I got to be right for the big 50.. yeah I’m gonna be talking about that a lot ..

I should have never stopped.. I would already be at my weight goal.. and just be exercising to maintain and get stronger.. oh well whatcha gonna do.. but get started ANGY..

original me

The Jar

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Life in a jar.. You pouch holes in the lid and then you crawl in.. You can’t hear what’s going on around you.. you are safe in your Jar.. no concern with family and friends around you.. the crisis of the world matters no more.. you are safe in your Jar.. You don’t even bother to look through the glass for fear of making contact with someone.. you are safe in your Jar.. you have no care of the people coming and going.. it doesn’t matter you have no one to hold or touch.. you are safe in your Jar.. you curl up in your Jar.. and you pray no one disturbes you.. You pray they just place your Jar on shelf with all the other Jars.. who lost hope and gave up.. because you are safe in your Jar.. no more recalling memories.. no more bringing up past hurts and disappointment.. no more looking for someone to love.. no more fake smiles or the cynical voice that say I understand..  no people to deal with, no more trying to pretend and fit in.. just leave me alone in my Jar where I am safe..

 

Original me..