Believe

So how do I began this story. I will start here at the heart of things. I have always loved my breast . I mean it’s part of what makes up the woman’s body. It’s what we wait for as teenagers to say hey my body developing into womanhood. I for one have always loved mine . I had very big breast that was hard on my neck and shoulders then I had a reduction.. and I still loved them small.. it took some adjusting for my family to get use too.. but now the thought of not having any at all scares me.. of course I know I’m not my breast.. and it’s the only way that I will feel at ease with this LCIS is to Illuminates the problem and give myself a better chance of not developing breast cancer.. yes there are other options but I just don’t feel like I could take the waiting ever six months or the cancer pill.. so I know I’m making the best decision for me and family..

I just wish that I could just get my life back to normal.. I keep telling myself that this is not how my story ends.. that I will experience the goodness of Jehovah in the land of the living for death and the grave can not praise Him or tell of His mercy.. so I have believe that my day is coming where I will share my testimony of His goodness.. of His favor over my life..

The Original Ann

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He Is There

He Cried

Today

Today is all I have to give me.. I woke up with darkness all around me.. see that’s what depression is darkness and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.. I put on some praise worship music and then I put a slide show of my photos on.. and the memories made me smile to see how much Kohen, Kyrie and Kaysen have grown.. memories of graduation and the family cookouts.. I was reminded of how quickly everything and everyone changes in twinkling of an eye.. how the only important things in life is a solid foundation with Christ, family and a handful of true friends..

So Today isn’t about me or my depression or my chronic pain but I made it about this guy.. who without ever knowing it,is one of the reasons I was able to get up..

I know it’s hard especially when you constantly going through pain and depression when it’s every single minute of the day.. But you must find a reason to live no matter how hard it is..

The Original Me Ann

Battle

Will it ever stop.. are will this is life forever.. the days of being care free have been long gone.. the laughter is only enjoyed for a second.. the smile that tries to hide the pain, the disappointment of the life you dream of gone in a matter of minutes to no fault of your own but it’s always in the back of your mind did I do something wrong..

Will the battle ever end.. Battles of tears that fall uncontrollably.. Battles to put one foot in front of the other.. Battles to hold on when you wanna give up..

Battles that you must win if not for yourself.. for the ones who are fighting the Battle with you..

The Original Me Ann

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No Strength Left

Today has been a bad day.. my grandma has been gone six years.. and it’s been almost five years since my health has failed me..

I feel just giving up because no one understands the pain and depression.. they want to project their feelings as my feelings but I am chronically depressed because of this damn chronic pain.. I’m tired of popping pills that barely touch the pain..

Three weeks ago I took some morphine pills in hope to go to sleep and not wake up.. I could not hold on for my kids, my grand babies or family but I reached out to my family (sister) .. I let my daughter down but I was so tired of everything and my strength was gone and all I could do was cry out to God ..

I know that if I ever attempt it again it will be my last.. I will have lost the fight for myself and my family.. I don’t think it’s the weak who commit suicide but the strong who one day for one second have no strength left to fight..

I pray I will stay strong..

The Original Me Ann

No Me

I thought about you today longer than I should have.. I thought nice it would be to lay down and let the water cover me.. to feel your cold embrace and let it swallow me up.. I thought how nice it would be to be free from this life and pass on to the next.. letting go of the pain and the hurt.. letting go of feeling like my mind will never be the same.. a body that no longer listens to me but has a mind of its on.. no longer can I be the one thing that has kept me going a grandma.. because I allowed words without thought to escape my mouth.. words that were full of hate and anger.. that were meant to hurt another person who I love dearly.. so I allowed my words to possibly destroy instead of heal.. so in process of causing her pain.. I began to see my own.. and yes I wanted to be at peace to escape from my pain, my hurt, my words that crushed another’s person spirit.. sometimes we take the easy way so they say.. and sometimes we just feel like the world would be a better place if there was no ME..

The Original Me Ann..

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Close My Eyes

Let me close my eyes and see your face.. let me sit in silence and see your face.. let lay in bed and look at your space.. let close my eyes and think of your face.. let close my eyes and see how it really was.. me needing you and you giving me just enough to keep me holding on.. let me sit in silence and remember how your words were always demanding.. let me close my eyes and see you the real you.. not a fantasy I want to create of how you can be.. let me close my eyes and not see you anymore..

The Original Me Ann..

Photo~ http://www.weheartit.com

When I Need In Tough Times

Lord, I worship You above all things. I praise You and proclaim that You are Lord over everything in my life. Thank You that You are more powerful than any of life’s storm that I must walk through. I ask You to help me in my situation I am in now and the difficult things I face. I pray that You will give me the desires of my heart concerning these situations. Thank You, Lord, that when I cry out to You, You hear my prayers and will answer. Stormie Omartian

“She came and worshiped Him, saying, Lord help me!” Matthew 15:25

original me

In My Blogging Feelings

I wasn’t gonna do a personal blog tonight as I’m not feeling well.. I have been in pain all day.. and I still had to watch the grand babies.. so I didn’t take any pain medicine.. well that’s not the reason the reason is I have none.. but that’s another blog for another day..

I wanted to talk about blogging.. and how my email is over run now by bloggers.. and I don’t mine .. well maybe a little..  my policy was to check my email, read post and do one of two things like and comment or just like it.. but I find myself reading post for bloggers who aren’t reading mine.. so the system I came up with is to go on my likes and comments.. and read those post and reply to them first.. out of 81 followers I have on a given day 7 true followers.. so I’m need to figure out how to have faithful followers like me..

Another thing I do is to follow back.. but I am finding everybody doesn’t do that either.. but I follow what interests me.. right now I feel I’m in a place of darkness with this depression and excuse my language this damn pain that I can’t get one freaking doctor to give a damn about me and my suffering.. so maybe that’s one reason I get followers but not readers.. or maybe the just wanting to grow their followers.. I don’t know..

Well at any rate.. I want to say I appreciate everyone who follows me.. but read, like, leave a comment.. sometimes I think this is a competition.. but not with me.. I have to much to release to compete.. 

If you have any thoughts I would like to hear them.. so feel free to drop by and sip some tea, coffee or pepsi..  whatever your beverage of choice is..

 

original me..