Gurl, I Don’t Want Him Here

imageI don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to care about him.. and yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to answer his call.. but yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to love him.. but yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want him here.. and he is here laying beside me.. I want to be strong.. and yet I feel so weak.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me..

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Mood

The mood is here I feel it in the room.. it’s been here since I woke up this morning.. I just wanna crawl in a corner and cover up my head and sink deep into the wall.. I wanna give in to the darkness today.. I wanna let it swallow me up and not think about nothing.. I know it’s coming from the meds but the meds help me sleep but God I feel so awful..and the mood want go away it demands my attention to not focus on anything or one but me.. I don’t want to go outside because my body is drained of what energy I had..taking a shower and doing my basic needs.. there is no normal life for me.. sometimes I feel it all revolves around him maybe he is the key to my depression.. no he is not the key but he is part of it .. yet I still let him drag me right back in.. I guess I hate myself for not being strong enough to stay away from him..and being weak and not strong like I should be.. I hate that I feel weak that I am not who I use to be..that I have let God down and how is that possible it’s not but I feel that.. that I am constantly failing Him..my mind is not the same, and these pills do nothing but I guess keep me from being suicidal I guess.. I don’t want this to be the end of my story.. I’m so much better than this.. I know this day will pass.. and tomorrow will be a new day..and you know what else I’m determined not let the mood win..