Less Than.. Morning Sip..

Your beauty shines in the day.. like the sunshine above.. just as well as it does at night.. like the moon set upon.. 

Don’t allow yourself to be nobody’s second best.. let him or her make you feel that all you’re good for is second place..

In other words don’t let nobody make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.. that your only use is when they have no one else.. Don’t think by allowing them to treat you less than.. You ask less than what .. less than the person God created you to be.. less than a person with feelings.. less than having your needs met.. but always meeting theirs.. less than being treated like the man and woman that God created you to be.. less than being shown respect for your body as well as your mind..

Too many of us settle for a less than life.. we allow another human beings.. with the same weakness as us .. subject to the same pain and shortcomings as we are.. make us feel less than..

If you don’t know if you’re less than.. let me share with you how to know..

1. Does he/ she only call when they need something..
2. Are you made to feel special..
3. Do you see them only at night..
4. Are you satisfied doing sex..
5. Do they go weeks at a time without calling/ texting you..
6. Do they say we are just friends but act like you their possession..
7. Do they show any concern about you..
8. Are you welcome at their place anytime..
9. Do they show you respect..
10. Do they take you out to dinner/ movie..
11. Do they express any kind of love for you..
12. Do you always do the giving but never receive anything back..
13. Do they take your self esteem..
14. Do they make you feel insecure..
15. Do they let you know that they are looking for someone else.. that you are not who they desire to be in a relationship with..
16. Do they let you know you are just a stress reliever.. ( a booty call)

I could go on and on with my list.. but what I’m trying to say is this.. nobody has the right to make you feel less than.. less than a man.. less than a woman.. you have the power as to how you allow anyone to treat you.. 

So everyday you must tell yourself.. I will not allow him/her to make me feel less than..Less than I know that I am.. key word you gotta know who you are.. in order to be treated the way you deserve.. you gotta know that there is nothing about you less than..

You gotta speak it.. today I am everything God created me to be.. and I never read where He created Adam less than.. but everything God created was good.. 

So you are good enough for anything.. and most definitely Anyone..

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In My Blogging Feelings

I wasn’t gonna do a personal blog tonight as I’m not feeling well.. I have been in pain all day.. and I still had to watch the grand babies.. so I didn’t take any pain medicine.. well that’s not the reason the reason is I have none.. but that’s another blog for another day..

I wanted to talk about blogging.. and how my email is over run now by bloggers.. and I don’t mine .. well maybe a little..  my policy was to check my email, read post and do one of two things like and comment or just like it.. but I find myself reading post for bloggers who aren’t reading mine.. so the system I came up with is to go on my likes and comments.. and read those post and reply to them first.. out of 81 followers I have on a given day 7 true followers.. so I’m need to figure out how to have faithful followers like me..

Another thing I do is to follow back.. but I am finding everybody doesn’t do that either.. but I follow what interests me.. right now I feel I’m in a place of darkness with this depression and excuse my language this damn pain that I can’t get one freaking doctor to give a damn about me and my suffering.. so maybe that’s one reason I get followers but not readers.. or maybe the just wanting to grow their followers.. I don’t know..

Well at any rate.. I want to say I appreciate everyone who follows me.. but read, like, leave a comment.. sometimes I think this is a competition.. but not with me.. I have to much to release to compete.. 

If you have any thoughts I would like to hear them.. so feel free to drop by and sip some tea, coffee or pepsi..  whatever your beverage of choice is..

 

original me..

Create

The one thing a person wants most is to be in control of their own thoughts and actions.. Nobody wants to be vulnerable but yet it happens to even the strongest of us..

I create from my pain and move with the fact.. that I have been a willing participant in my own pain..

original me

The Grab, Sista

I know I can’t kill him but there is apart of me that wants too.. apart of me that hates him as much as I love him.. apart that hates most of all what I have become.. he has started jerking my hair and grabbing my arms.. he pulled my hair so hard my my neck and the back of my head still hurts.. Sista gurl what am I to do is this the beginning of physical abuse.. I saw my momma go through a lot but one thing I never saw was a man put his hands on her.. and get away with it.. I remember when we were young and my step daddy would get drunk.. and the fighting would start.. until one day enough was enough and she put him out.. divorce him and raised her five kids on her own.. and I am my mothers daughter but damn what has happened to me..

Sista gurl, I hate him yet I can’t let go.. what the freak is wrong with me.. I know this not my life not the life I plan.. by my fifty birthday I was supposed to retire early with my husband.. and walk around the house naked.. until we had company.. but now Sista look at my life.. a husband who I left because I thought I missed out on my youth and I did.. but I learned the hard way you can never go back.. I should still be able to enjoy life but if it’s not physical pain, then it’s mental.. even on days that start out good like today.. always end up being just another bad dream.. I long to wake up from this nightmare.. I call my life..

I looked him dead in his face and said we are DONE.. he started to talk but I stopped him by saying there is nothing left to discuss.. because I knew if I let him talk.. the next time he would not just pull my hair are grab my arm while I’m driving.. but it would be not only my mom and step dad but me and my husband.. see I’m a custom to the fighting , abuse and everything that comes with it..

All I can do is pray for every batter woman and man out there.. and remember to take it one second at a time..

original me

REBLOG

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this so I said let me get my feelings out.. I read a blog a few days ago that woke up so many emotions in me that I had buried.. I was going reblog it but I had my grandson the one and a half year old.. and you know at that age they are a handful.. so anyway I deleted the email and didn’t reblog it.. I’m learning when I’m gonna do something to do it right then..I know it came from HaRsH ReAlItY aopinionatedman.com.. He has a really great blog about adoption and is very helpful.. Thanks Jason.. anyway I read her story and it was like what was in me.. I remember one part she had boyfriends.. and when I wrote my blog I put I had a boyfriend keyword being (a).. anyway I read a blog about copying from other bloggers.. and it bothers me because I felt she was me to a point.. I didn’t have an abusive father.. I didn’t have a father.. the one thing I wanted so badly.. and all I heard my whole life is you like just like your daddy.. well where the freak was he when I need him to show me.. how a man should treat a woman.. how a man should love and protect you.. where was the man I look just like.. sorry getting back to the reblogging..

I never want another blogger to think that I would take from their pain and use it as mine.. excuse the language but hell I have enough pain, anger, bitterness, hurt  buried down inside.. I don’t need anyone else’s..

I will say the major of the people I follow are like me broken so of course we are going to read blogs that probably bring up similar pain.. and we will blog about OUR PAIN..

So just setting the record straight.. I am a writer..I have enough of my own issues that I don’t need anyone else’s to write about.. I am not a thief therefore I DO NOT steal.. I have SEPERATION ANXIETY.. just to let you know.. so don’t leave me.. (joke) but for real don’t.. And like I said this my THERAPY.. and my chance to find ME again.. I know I am in HERE.. just buried beneath a lot of what I call demons.. and lastly I AM AN A ORIGINAL.. ORIGINAL ME!! That’s mine so don’t steal it.. I would do the laughing emoji.. but the say that emojis are forbidden in the BLOOSPHERE.. 

originalme..

My Angel

I am one tired momma.. I have no one to really talk to about how I feel about my daughter surgery.. I mean I have my family but I’m the oldest of five.. so I’m supposed to be the strong one and I don’t want to always burden them with my problems.. so instead I will bring them to the blogosphere.. my daughter wants all my focus on her and she should.. it’s only right because she is the one having surgery.. and she is the youngest of three and the girl I always wanted.. but we had given up on having one.. but God saw fit to give my husband and I a beautiful chocolate angel from heaven.. and we spoiled her rotten and it shows.. as a good parent should we always want the best for our children.. and we hate to see them suffer.. and no matter what is going on with us.. we have to be strong and present for them..

I see it with my oldest grandson.. he is six and his two younger brothers who are one year old and six months.. so he went from having all the attention for five years to being the oldest.. and I know it’s hard for him.. sometimes without knowing it the oldest gets neglected.. they say the middle child doesn’t get enough attention but I believe it’s the oldest.. so the other day I just let him express his self and get his feelings out.. so I decided once a week we are going to talk.. so if it’s anything he needs to say or express he can.. I see him almost everyday but after our heart to heart.. I realized a lot has changed in short period of time for him..

As you can see I live for my kids.. well not just my kids but all kids.. but I was supposed to be talking about me.. but I guess I just need to suck it up and deal with the pain.. because today it’s kicking my butt.. the weather is changing here..  a cold front is moving in.. and I never thought the cold would increase my pain but it has.. but what can I do.. still no pain meds.. so I will continue to suffer in silent for the moment..

I’m gonna end by saying.. I am glad I found this place called blogosphere or blogging.. I can focus on me.. and right now this has to be my way of getting my feelings out as I can no longer afford therapy for the moment.. but anyway like the say on The Middle “whatcha gonna do”..

“as always be blessed “