While encouraging others my own life is a living hell.. tormented by the things of my past and present life.. entangled in my mind bars that I can’t break free of.. a life of feeling lost while seeking love at any cost.. running aimlessly from one person to the next, from job after job, and city after city.. trying to escape the things and people that hold me captive.. running away from everything and yet running to anything or one that could possibly hold the key to free ME.. am I to be tortured for the rest of my life here.. will I ever find the strength, the power to break free.. will I ever be able to save ME.. or will I continue to be entangled, entrapped by the bars wrapped around my mind as I look for anyone or thing that holds the key.. to unlock Me..
The Original Me Ann..
Hey sista gurl just wanted to drop some knowledge on you.. as you sit thinking your world is secure because of all the riches you have.. I’m here to tell you that a change is about to come.. So people get ready..
First they came for the Muslims accusing them all of being terrorist.. and I sit and said nothing for I was not a Muslim..
Then they came for the Hispanic to separate families and build a wall.. I didn’t speak out because I was not an Hispanic..
Then they came for the Indian to take what little sacred land they had left.. to run pipe lines through it.. and I didn’t speak out because I was not an Indian..
Then they came for me- to return me to a land I knew nothing of.. and there was no one left to speak for me..
This is I hope what you call a rendition of Niemoller poem First They Came.. at least I hope that’s what rendition is .. as I don’t want to plagiarize..
It made think what if they do come for our brothers and sisters.. will we sit idly by until it’s our turn.. Today is the day to be watchful for others.. to put a plan into action..
I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to care about him.. and yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to answer his call.. but yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to love him.. but yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want him here.. and he is here laying beside me.. I want to be strong.. and yet I feel so weak.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me..
I read today how love was blind.. and from what I experience I find that to be true.. but I also know that you can’t help who you love.. Love can be blessing.. and also a curse.. I experienced high school love, college love, my forever love ( even though we are no longer together) that’s another story.. and I am now going through the curse of love.. what I thought love was.. I call it the curse of love.. no matter how we try to fake it we all crave it.. it’s what keeps some of us up at night.. the curse of love like everything else is hard to break.. because you want it so much .. you wanna curl up with it at night.. and wrap it around you all day long.. you wanna feel it’s embrace upon your lips.. and hold it in your hand months at a time.. it’s the curse of love that cause you to run out in the rain.. the curse of love that causes you to chase it down again and again hoping this time that he will do right.. it’s the curse of love crumbles your heart in a million pieces.. and you paste it back together again believing this time he is the one.. yeah the curse of love have taken a many down believing that their is no one else to be found.. so they break the curse of love by letting go of life itself.. the curse of love is broken .. the only way it could be broken and left without a trace.. but to no avail the curse of love moves on to the next victim..
The mood is here I feel it in the room.. it’s been here since I woke up this morning.. I just wanna crawl in a corner and cover up my head and sink deep into the wall.. I wanna give in to the darkness today.. I wanna let it swallow me up and not think about nothing.. I know it’s coming from the meds but the meds help me sleep but God I feel so awful..and the mood want go away it demands my attention to not focus on anything or one but me.. I don’t want to go outside because my body is drained of what energy I had..taking a shower and doing my basic needs.. there is no normal life for me.. sometimes I feel it all revolves around him maybe he is the key to my depression.. no he is not the key but he is part of it .. yet I still let him drag me right back in.. I guess I hate myself for not being strong enough to stay away from him..and being weak and not strong like I should be.. I hate that I feel weak that I am not who I use to be..that I have let God down and how is that possible it’s not but I feel that.. that I am constantly failing Him..my mind is not the same, and these pills do nothing but I guess keep me from being suicidal I guess.. I don’t want this to be the end of my story.. I’m so much better than this.. I know this day will pass.. and tomorrow will be a new day..and you know what else I’m determined not let the mood win..