The Grab, Sista

imageI know I can’t kill him but there is apart of me that wants too.. apart of me that hates him as much as I love him.. apart that hates most of all what I have become.. he has started jerking my hair and grabbing my arms.. he pulled my hair so hard my my neck and the back of my head still hurts.. Sista gurl what am I to do is this the beginning of physical abuse.. I saw my momma go through a lot but one thing I never saw was a man put his hands on her.. and get away with it.. I remember when we were young and my step daddy would get drunk.. and the fighting would start.. until one day enough was enough and she put him out.. divorce him and raised her five kids on her own.. and I am my mothers daughter but damn what has happened to me..

Sista gurl, I hate him yet I can’t let go.. what the freak is wrong with me.. I know this not my life not the life I plan.. by my fifty birthday I was supposed to retire early with my husband.. and walk around the house naked.. until we had company.. but now Sista look at my life.. a husband who I left because I thought I missed out on my youth and I did.. but I learned the hard way you can never go back.. I should still be able to enjoy life but if it’s not physical pain, then it’s mental.. even on days that start out good like today.. always end up being just another bad dream.. I long to wake up from this nightmare.. I call my life..

I looked him dead in his face and said we are DONE.. he started to talk but I stopped him by saying there is nothing left to discuss.. because I knew if I let him talk.. the next time he would not just pull my hair are grab my arm while I’m driving.. but it would be not only my mom and step dad but me and my husband.. see I’m a custom to the fighting , abuse and everything that comes with it..

All I can do is pray for every batter woman and man out there.. and remember to take it one second at a time..

original me

Where am I

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I have  been dealing with health issues with my daughter.. we have been to the doctor it seems like every week last month.. and today also trying to get her well.. so I haven’t had a lot time to dwell on me.. as a mother I learned from my mother that you lay aside what is going on with you for your children.. and that’s what I do.. there was one day I just wanted to tell my daughter I can’t do it today.. my mind want let me.. please just leave me alone.. but I couldn’t I had to be there for her.. so I struggle through and I was there.. because I remember all to well her senior year and she said can you just show up for me.. but I know now is she was saying can you come back for ME.. and it’s sad to say that I couldn’t as hard as I tried I couldn’t.. because I couldn’t come back for me.. I had left me.. do you know what it feels like to desert yourself.. I was hopeless, empty and weak.. there was no fight left in me not even for me.. so how could I show up for her.. there were days I couldn’t comb my own hair.. days when I looked at nothing but the wall.. so the fight was gone.. even now I find myself not able to fight against him.. I still allow him to control me.. the cause of me sinking deeper into depression but he still controls me.. and I hate myself for being weak to him.. and betraying myself time and time again.. I only speak for me and yes depression has made me weak.. weak to walk away from a bad relationship.. I look and I know everyday I get a little bit stronger.. but then someone or something pulls me back.. I feel like the little girl who all she wanted was her daddy’s love but she never felt until it was too late.. and she had already searched for it in her boyfriend, her husband but never found it.. she never knew how a man was really supposed to treat a woman because she was never exposed to it.. and now the damage is done.. and I feel lost to ever find that kind of love .. that a real man shares with a real woman.. even though I’m here for my daughter.. there are still areas in my life.. that I still can’t show up for me.. and it makes me angry at myself.. for being weak because I didn’t come from a weak woman.. I don’t get me wrong.. I love that I have compassion.. and I have always stood up for those that couldn’t stand up for themselves.. always looking for a cause on my job (that I hated) to help out my Hispanic sisters and anyone else.. but yet I am weak to fight for me.. I don’t understand why I don’t matter anymore to me.. why can’t I let him go.. what is this hold I allow him to have over me .. it’s sickening.. I don’t know what to do.. I want so bad to have my normal life back..but what is normal anymore.. a life full chronic depression and pain that’s all I have known for almost four years.. because I can’t find my freakin strength.. I want the strength to walk away.. to shut the depression out forever.. but I don’t know when that will be.. I know I am in here but where is my fight for me.. why did I fail me.. I should have been stronger than this.. and you know what this was not really my intended blog.. but this my is therapy.. this is me opening up my eyes to me.. telling my story to  me, myself and I.. and anyone who will read my blogs..