My Life..

imageI try to write everyday because I know if I stop I want start back.. I started a transformation journey in March of this year.. with exercise, healthy eating, water and also getting my prayer life back.. but I am off the journey now for two months and I hate it.. that I can’t stay committed to things like I use to.. I find it hard to stay on task.. to do the daily chores and things my family need even though my kids are grown I find they still need me and I them.. which is good.. but it’s also hard because of the pain and depression.. I know that I gave my children a scare when I was suicidal and for that I am so sorry.. and ashamed of myself for being so weak.. I don’t know if I should say weak .. I just wanted the pain to go away.. and I thought my kids would be better off without me.. I wasn’t thinking of them are my grand babies to be born.. then I was only thinking of me.. and for that I am sorry.. My kids were scared to leave me alone and I was scared to be alone.. I know that it was Jehovah God who pulled me through my darkest moments along with my family.. I still have moments where I will have a thought but I push it back down.. I went to the hospital one time because I felt that I needed to regroup but once there I knew it was not for me.. I have a therapist and doctor now.. this my third therapist because the previous two who promised to stay with me left and I had to start all over again.. telling my story, releasing my pain.. which I hate.. I just want to go back to 2010 when I had my life, my job ( I hated), my grandma (best friend), life was not great but it was good.. and now I feel like I have lost everything.. and my physical pain is getting worse instead of better.. and depression is right there like it has a permanent place in my life.. as if telling me you’ll never be able to shake me this time..I’m here to stay so get use to me.. all I can do is pray and have faith that one day.. I will wake up and this will be just a bad dream..but now I wake up still thanking Jehovah the Father that it’s not as bad as it could be.. and I can still dance in the rain until the sun comes out.. and so many others can’t.. I wanna close saying this when I talk about being weak I’m speaking only of me and how it made and makes me feel.. I never want anyone who is suicidal or depressed to think you are weak .. are not strong enough to make cause you and I are still here .. just take it one second at a time because like I always say that’s all we really have here is a second which turns into minutes which turns into hours which turns into a day which turns into days which turns into weeks which turns into into months which turns into into years..so try not to over think it and I know it’s hard..but we got this.. I promise!!

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