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Finding A Purpose

By now if you follow me you know I have three grandson that are my reason for living outside of God.. yes I have a great support system but when I know these three are depending on me to be strong.. to smile, listen and most of all make everything thing better.. yeah that’s why I can’t give up.. this is for those who face depression on a regular basis.. you gotta find a reason to fight.. you may not have grandchildren but you got a pet, a friend, a family member who is depending on you, you would be surprised how much your phone or text means to someone.. also let’s remember that depression and being suicidal is two different mental illness.. if not treated yes depression will lead to suicide.. I think what I’m trying to say is that we are in the world together for a purpose.. and it’s easy okay to say “Hey how are you” and mean it.. nothing bothers me more than a fake how you doing.. that when my guards goes up, the look of “you could have kept that”..

The purpose of this post was to share my grandson playing in the snow.. so I don’t know why I wrote about depression.. well I do because it leads what I call the silent killer suicide.. nobody ever thought they would do it.. or they didn’t seem depressed to me.. and sometimes we can do everything possible and for whatever they lose hope on life.. and no matter how hard they try to fight.. there is a feeling of emptiness, feeling of not only would everyone else be better off with them.. they would too.. they feel they have tried everything to take away the pain, yet it’s still there.. like a feeling of having something eating away at your soul every minute of the day.. it’s not that they didn’t try to stay or that they were weak.. it’s just they could no longer see the hope, the purpose and the ones they were leaving behind as being better off if the stayed among the living..

I don’t know why I’m still here honestly.. I desired to be a peace like the rest of them.. but for some reason.. It didn’t happen some could say I wanted to live more than die.. at the time I was just tired of everything I tried to do failing me.. from my job, to pain that no doctor could explain to me and my home life, to my relationship with God.. weird that I would say God was failing me but that’s what it felt like to me.. I felt like I was God’s child and I had watched him heal people that I prayed for but yet He seemed to pass by my house.. so yes I felt abandoned by God.. but He never left me, I lefted Him for a season.. but when we feel abandoned by God don’t you know that’s the most hopeless feeling in the world for a sane person.. so magnify that by millions for someone with chronic depression and other mental issues..

I guess if I can leave you with anything.. I don’t want anyone to think that a person who committed suicide was weak or they wanted to give up of life.. they wanted to stay but believe me they also wanted  peace.. if you’re thinking about suicide please get professional help.. check into a hospital.. don’t give up on life and most of all don’t give up on God.. please talk to someone.. and like I said before just focus on the next second in front of you.. that’s society problems we focus too much on time.. when we only have this very second.. 

The Original Me Ann..

Blood Runs Down

I never thought I’d see the blood run down my gown.. I never thought I have time to remember before the blood ran down my gown..

I remember your laughter.. I remember your touch in the middle of the night.. I remember the smell of your body.. I never thought I’d remember before the blood came running down my gown..

I remember the smiles and the tears.. I remember hearing what’s wrong with you.. I remember hearing the children playing.. I remember the smell of Sunday dinners.. I remember the texts messages of encouragement.. I never thought I’d remember before the blood came running down my gown..

I thought I would go quick nothing to lose.. just close my eyes and I’d be gone before the blood came running down my gown.. but I lay here remembering how I promised I wouldn’t give up.. that I would be strong until I see the blood running down my gown..

So much I left behind people, places and memories yet to be made.. don’t be like me don’t give up on life.. for once the blood starts running down your gown.. you start to realize it’s over.. 

I never thought I’d see the blood run down my gown.. and watch the life leave my body.. no more me to be remembered.. just the blood running down my gown..

 

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original me

What if I Jump

What if I jump who will morn for me.. What if I jump who will shed a tear.. What if I jump who will care.. What if I jump who will say my name.. What if I jump who will tell my kids.. What if I jump will my kids hate me, call me a coward, ask why didn’t I fight harder.. What if I jump who will claim my body.. What if I jump who will say why didn’t they see the signs.. What if I jump who will miss me, will he miss me.. What if I jump who will forgive me and who will blame me.. What if I jump who will stand around saying what could I have said.. What if I jump who will walk forward and say I’m sorry I didn’t listen to her.. I never saw her pain.. What if I jump who will remember my name..

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