What can I do .. what can I say.. it’s beyond hope for me.. another victim of this thing called love.. I’ve tried so hard to fight it but looks like it’s still here.. a feeling most days I can’t describe.. a feel of hopeless.. yet a feeling of passion.. a feeling of I don’t want to thing about him.. but yet he consumes my every thought.. it’s a feel of holding and letting go at the same time.. a feeling of loving him and hating him at the same time .. what can I do put pray that the day will come when I will be free.. to love another as hard as I love him..
I thank God that I can see me coming through.. Yall just don’t know it’s been along hard road.. I stayed in the valley longer than I should have.. but God didn’t give up on me, He just let me wonder around lost until I decided to return home.. that’s the great thing about God.. He said he would never leave us or forsake us and He meant it (Joshua 1:5)(Matthew 28:20)..
I felt like I would never see me again.. but the devil is a lie.. because when I hear things that come out of my mouth.. I know I’m here and I’m back in full force..
I’m learning everything happens for a reason.. I know that I have a chemical imbalance and I feel that has a lot to do with my depression which is unfortunately something that’s apart of my life.. so that I can help others.. but it was never meant for me to live in it.. does that mean I won’t have days where I will want to lock the world, family and friends out, no of course I will.. will there be days that I cried, yes.. but I will no longer ask why me God.. but instead why not me.. it’s okay to have those days but it’s how we handle them that counts..
Have a Depression Survival Kit ready
What are some of your depression survival tools that you use.. feel free to share them in the comment box..
I have been thinking early this morning.. trying to cope with this year as it is quickly coming to a close..
As I look back.. I first want to say that God always knows who is best for us.. who we need in our lives.. but most of all God is not gonna go against His word to make you happy.. your happiness must line up with God word if you are a Believer..
Now it may sound like I’m about to contradict myself.. but this part is not out of just my spirit but my flesh to..
I look at how you left me broken.. and how I blame you for my brokenness.. but I had to except the fact I that I had been broken long before you came into my life.. I just allowed you to kick the pieces around, to scatter them and mix them up..
But I had to realize that broken people attract broken people.. at the time you might not see it because of the state of brokenness you’re in.. but have you ever seen a confident person full of live wanting to get involved with someone broken.. what I’m saying confident people surround themselves with confident people.. we have all heard the saying “No one wants to be around a Dibbie Downer”.. so we attract what we put out..
So moving on I allowed myself to be a victim of my depression and physical pain.. I didn’t become a Survivor.. instead I lay there ready to die, wanting to die.. to be at peace, to be at rest with my grandma.. yes I wanted to die.. or so I thought until I began to realize God has me here for purpose.. to help others just like me.. yes I will always have depression and probably chronic pain too.. but I don’t have to live in it alone.. remember I said God lives in our brokenness.. so I’m never alone and neither are you..
Now speaking to him who thought he left me a victim.. at this moment I HATE YOU.. You validated me away that has left me with doubt and shame.. a feeling of more weakness but it took this to open my eyes up .. and make me finial say enough is enough.. but before that you left me with my heart in pieces.. you made me doubt everything about me.. and then you left me.. but instead of seeing your leaving as a blessing.. I cried and pleaded with you to come back..
But today I look and I laugh at you.. you left me for her.. someone who never wanted you.. so I rejoice in my flesh at that.. you sitting drinking and crying like the bitch you wanted me to be for someone who used you like you used me.. crying for her to come and be with you.. you allow yourself the man, to be treated like a bitch.. not by one but two women.. yes I rejoice in the fact that both make a fool of you.. yes at this very moment I HATE YOU.. and I finally see that you are hurting worse than you hurt me.. and yes I’m smiling today as I write my freedom from you.. because see you got exactly what you deserve and more.. because you didn’t get the one you broke my heart for .. and you can’t have the one you truly love either..
Yes, the day will come I will write again to him.. a letter to say I forgive me.. for allowing him to use me.. but today at this moment I HATE HIM..
Picture ~black art
Lord, I worship You above all things. I praise You and proclaim that You are Lord over everything in my life. Thank You that You are more powerful than any of life’s storm that I must walk through. I ask You to help me in my situation I am in now and the difficult things I face. I pray that You will give me the desires of my heart concerning these situations. Thank You, Lord, that when I cry out to You, You hear my prayers and will answer. Stormie Omartian
“She came and worshiped Him, saying, Lord help me!” Matthew 15:25
Dear Lord, I look to You to be all the help I will ever need. Even though I see no other help on the horizon, I will not be afraid or concerned. Even though I may not see a way out, or a good solution to certain problems, I know You do. So I will keep my eyes on You. For You are the Creator of heaven and earth and all that is in them, so I know You are well able to create solutions to my problems. I praise You and thank You that nothing is to hard for You. –Stormie Omartian
I will lift up my eye to the hills; from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2
I never thought I’d see the blood run down my gown.. I never thought I have time to remember before the blood ran down my gown..
I remember your laughter.. I remember your touch in the middle of the night.. I remember the smell of your body.. I never thought I’d remember before the blood came running down my gown..
I remember the smiles and the tears.. I remember hearing what’s wrong with you.. I remember hearing the children playing.. I remember the smell of Sunday dinners.. I remember the texts messages of encouragement.. I never thought I’d remember before the blood came running down my gown..
I thought I would go quick nothing to lose.. just close my eyes and I’d be gone before the blood came running down my gown.. but I lay here remembering how I promised I wouldn’t give up.. that I would be strong until I see the blood running down my gown..
So much I left behind people, places and memories yet to be made.. don’t be like me don’t give up on life.. for once the blood starts running down your gown.. you start to realize it’s over..
I never thought I’d see the blood run down my gown.. and watch the life leave my body.. no more me to be remembered.. just the blood running down my gown..