TIRED

They say knowledge is the key to everything..

imageI’m tired of trying to take care and motivate everyone but me.. I feel like I’m still looking after my husband.. even though we have not lived in the same house for almost five years.. I feel I am still responsible for him.. trying make sure that he is staying out of trouble.. I want go into details but let’s just say .. he has no common sense but is smart..

I was supposed to be his strength.. I was supposed to be the head.. behind the scenes.. like I said I have always been strong minded.. but at the time you were asking a twenty-four year too be in charge of almost forty year old.. who was an alcoholic.. and not only be in charge of him but our two sons.. and hide my panic attacks.. that came out of nowhere..

I didn’t even know what was going on .. I just know this feeling would come over me.. and I thought I was going to die.. I thought I was demon possessed.. because I had no knowledge of Anxiety.. but when my uncle died unexpectedly.. that’s when they began and I never told my family for years.. I was suffering and trying to seem normal..

Now I feel like I have to be here .. for my grandchildren.. I want to scream at my son for not being the father.. he was raised to be.. are maybe he is .. I have to say no because my husband, his father worked everyday.. and did everything he could to support his family.. so I don’t know where my son or young people think that the world owns them something.. I ask him what example are you sitting for your sons.. the same thing I used to ask my husband with his drinking..

I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me from everyone.. because no one can sees my pain.. how hard it is for me to pick up my Chunk Chunk.. and running after my Love Bugg.. and just walking upstairs when Kohen wants to show his grandma something.. is awful but I do it anyway..

I really don’t know if they don’t see it.. are they are just selfish as hell.. my head is killing me.. and I want drive until I run out of gas.. but I would only get out the driveway..

Just oneday I want my FREAKING PAIN and DEPRESSION acknowledged.. and from them to say Mom I don’t know how you do it.. but I am here for you.. are that mom you have come along way with your depression.. I know it’s hard for you but you got up today..

I do have my oldest son to lean on.. but I feel like he already has the weight of the world on him taking care of me.. I’ve cried so many times on his shoulders.. and he has been right here beside me.. not a selfish bone in His chocolate body.. he would literally give you the shirt off his back.. He is my rock.. but I am just tired of feeling like a burden to him.. which he said I’m not..

I woke up to a beautiful morning.. a warm day with the sun shining.. so what has happened..

I am just TRIED..

Original me

I’m Thinking

imageI’m discovering me all over again.. I remember being in high school wanting to wear makeup and of course my momma said No.. so for the last three months I have been playing around with make up.. learning how to apply it and just having fun..

This the look am going for but I have a long way to go.. I’m just enjoying the ride..  if you only knew how hard it is to try and make yourself feel good.. so I decided to take my daughter advice find a hobby.. anyway this something to get me out of bed..image

The other thing I’m doing is working on my stomach.. because you know doctors love to say that’s part of the problem when it comes to back pain.. so what I do is drink    Organic Apple Cider Vinegar at least three times a day.. I was doing squats and walking on the treadmill but the pain can be unbearable at times.. I will start back walk at least three times a week.. of course I can give no distance or time.. but as long as you are moving that’s all that matters..imageJust thought I would share a few things with you guys.. and the AVC really does curb the appetite.. but it tastes awful..so here I go again baby steps.. which I figure if I just walk 10 minutes 3 times a day.. that’s all I need to do.. well have a great night..

 

original me

A Prayer

imageAs I sit sipping my coffee.. yesterday was a disappointment to a lot of people.. and it really got me thinking.. how can anyone be allowed to run for the highest office of the United State.. without any qualification the more I thought about it the crazier it sounds… but with that being said I can no longer give this election my energy and time.. I will say this it shows us what is truly in the heart of America..

Moving on I wanted to encourage myself in the word of God.. I hope it helps you also..

“Who is like You, O Lord, among the gods?” (Exodus 15:11) How great are You God.. How holy are You Father.. How merciful are You to Your children.. You rain down blessing after blessing upon us.. You give us so much that we do not deserve.. You give us love and most of all Your peace.. If we seek Your face, You Father will guide us and lead us on the right path.. You Father regin in power and love.. You Father forgive us our sins day after day.. You Father are such and awesome Father,that You provide for Your children and their children.. like You did yesterday and today.. Father You are our strength and our song .. You are Lord of Lords and King of Kings.. Your presence inhabits the earth.. Thank You for blessing us and keeping us safe in Your loving arms.. for that we say How Great is our God.. Thank You Father that nothing can separate us from your love..

Same Old, Same Old

imageI was devastated to say the least when I heard Trump won President of the United State of America.. I really don’t know how I feel because it’s like my insides are numb.. I can only pray that God will protect us His children..

Moving on these last two days have sucked.. I had a doctor appointment Tuesday.. I am so tired of trying to convince doctors that I’m hurting.. it like every doctor say the same thing it’s not surgical.. well that doesn’t make the pain ago away.. it’s still here getting worse.. all I want is some relief at night so I can sleep.. Oh did I tell you my sleeping pill works when it wants too.. sometimes it makes a fool of me night after night.. no sleep makes an already depressed Angy.. worse..

I don’t know what to do I don’t have money for therapy anymore.. but I am still seeing the one who handles my medication.. I know I need someone to talk too.. that’s why is important I blog as often as I can.. if I have learned nothing else .. I have learned that you have to be your own advocate.. and you have to keep going until you find someone with the right answer.. no matter what they tell you don’t give up on You.. I’m one of the bless ones my son helps me all he can.. or I would be homeless.. but I think about the ones who have nobody.. to help them, who have lost everything.. even there hope for a better tomorrow.. I want to tell you I know how you feel.. but Jesus said he would never leave us or forsake us ( Hebrews 13:5).. even when we feel like we are all alone He is with us..

I have no new words to say about the doctors except.. I am disappointed in them.. I only pray that my depression medicine hasn’t stopped working.. because I feel that it has fail me to.. maybe I just need a good night sleep.