My Soul

imageMy soul is sad today.. I don’t know why.. tears streaming down like a river.. no one to call, no one to lay my head on.. no one to call my own.. you’d think by now I’d be used to it.. you’d think that I’d be strong enough to walk alone.. but I’m not.. I hate when it hits me and I can’t shake it off.. I hate being depressed and days like today when I don’t want to fight it.. when I wanna wrap up in it’s loneliness.. and let it cover me like my favorite blanket.. when I don’t want to breathe are hold on for anyone.. when I’ve encouraged everyone and I look around and theirs no one to encourage me.. and today the fight is to hard.. so I sit in my state of depression and pray that tomorrow will be a better day.. a day that I realize loneliness like everything else doesn’t last forever.. and dreams do come true.. and one day God will give me to some one to share my every- thing I am with..

The Original Me Ann..

 

Morning Devotion

The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free (Luke 4:18).

I was thinking how Jesus came to set the prisoners free.. and I thought about the things that hold us captive in our mind.. some of us are held captive due to no fault of our own.. but some of us are held captive by the past and living it over and over again in our mind.. we are prisoners of people that have long forgotten about us and things that we have lost.. we are a prisoner of our dreams of regrets..

So today if you are a prisoner of your mind .. just know that through prayer and faith in Jesus.. you can be set free it’s already been done for us.. Just release it to Him..

The Original Me Ann..

Finding A Purpose

imageBy now if you follow me you know I have three grandson that are my reason for living outside of God.. yes I have a great support system but when I know these three are depending on me to be strong.. to smile, listen and most of all make everything thing better.. yeah that’s why I can’t give up.. this is for those who face depression on a regular basis.. you gotta find a reason to fight.. you may not have grandchildren but you got a pet, a friend, a family member who is depending on you, you would be surprised how much your phone or text means to someone.. also let’s remember that depression and being suicidal is two different mental illness.. if not treated yes depression will lead to suicide.. I think what I’m trying to say is that we are in the world together for a purpose.. and it’s easy okay to say “Hey how are you” and mean it.. nothing bothers me more than a fake how you doing.. that when my guards goes up, the look of “you could have kept that”..

The purpose of this post was to share my grandson playing in the snow.. so I don’t know why I wrote about depression.. well I do because it leads what I call the silent killer suicide.. nobody ever thought they would do it.. or they didn’t seem depressed to me.. and sometimes we can do everything possible and for whatever they lose hope on life.. and no matter how hard they try to fight.. there is a feeling of emptiness, feeling of not only would everyone else be better off with them.. they would too.. they feel they have tried everything to take away the pain, yet it’s still there.. like a feeling of having something eating away at your soul every minute of the day.. it’s not that they didn’t try to stay or that they were weak.. it’s just they could no longer see the hope, the purpose and the ones they were leaving behind as being better off if the stayed among the living..

I don’t know why I’m still here honestly.. I desired to be a peace like the rest of them.. but for some reason.. It didn’t happen some could say I wanted to live more than die.. at the time I was just tired of everything I tried to do failing me.. from my job, to pain that no doctor could explain to me and my home life, to my relationship with God.. weird that I would say God was failing me but that’s what it felt like to me.. I felt like I was God’s child and I had watched him heal people that I prayed for but yet He seemed to pass by my house.. so yes I felt abandoned by God.. but He never left me, I lefted Him for a season.. but when we feel abandoned by God don’t you know that’s the most hopeless feeling in the world for a sane person.. so magnify that by millions for someone with chronic depression and other mental issues..

I guess if I can leave you with anything.. I don’t want anyone to think that a person who committed suicide was weak or they wanted to give up of life.. they wanted to stay but believe me they also wanted  peace.. if you’re thinking about suicide please get professional help.. check into a hospital.. don’t give up on life and most of all don’t give up on God.. please talk to someone.. and like I said before just focus on the next second in front of you.. that’s society problems we focus too much on time.. when we only have this very second.. 

The Original Me Ann..

Bags 

imageSome people will never understand why you move the way you do.. how you walk with limp and from  dragging so many bags on your back.. how those bags had you bent down to the ground.. how a normal persons back would have broken.. but not you.. know you cradle on through the hurt and pain..

One day you began to unload your bags.. you started to dig around and what you found was nothing but rags.. the things you held on too no longer exist.. see he or she died long ago.. and they left you the shell of the person you used to be.. they thought they won for even from the grave they still had you bound.. still crying and mourning over what could have been.. so many were the bags that they but a strain on your back.. bent from the shame and abuse, from love that left you black and blue.. tears you cry are no longer needed.. don’t you know they didn’t deserve you..

So unpack your bags I say, and burn those rags.. for out of ashes comes your freedom to stand up straight.. yes walk proud of your limp.. for it will forever be a reminder of all you went through.. but YOU DID NOT BREAK.. Yes with ashes comes beauty and that Beauty is YOU..

Original Me Ann..

Picture- facconly.blogspot.com

What Can I do

imageWhat can I do .. what can I say.. it’s beyond hope for me.. another victim of this thing called love.. I’ve tried so hard to fight it but looks like it’s still here.. a feeling most days I can’t describe.. a feel of hopeless.. yet a feeling of passion.. a feeling of I don’t want to thing about him.. but yet he consumes my every thought.. it’s a feel of holding and letting go at the same time.. a feeling of loving him and hating him at the same time .. what can I do put pray that the day will come when I will be free.. to love another as hard as I love him..

Keep Prophesying until Life comes

On persevering prayer: “I look at a stone cutter hammering away at a rock a hundred times without so much as a crack showing in it. Yet, at the 101st blow, it splits in two. I know it was not the one blow that did it, but all that had gone before.” (Not sure who penned these words)

I want to encourage you to not stop prophesying half way, just because you don’t see anything happening. I want to remind you that God’s words are like seeds, so once you send them out over your situation, you are planting them.

You don’t plant a seed today and reap a harvest tomorrow, or you don’t plant a seed and then go the next day and dig it up to see the progress it makes. That is not how planting and reaping works… you have to plant the seeds; then there is a period of time that you have to wait, and then there is a harvest. Jesus in talking about the Kingdom explains the parable of the seeds this way: Then He said, “The kingdom of God is like a man who throws seed on the ground, and he goes to bed at night and gets up every day, and [in the meantime] the seed sprouts and grows; how [it does this], he does not know. (Mark 4: 26-27) (AMP).

There is a time frame between the planting and the harvest; and in the same way, prophesying has to be an ongoing process, we send the words out and then we stay aligned in our confession to that seed, until it manifests. When you start prophesying God’s word to your situation, the first thing that will happen in your life is order; and the things that were looking cluttered will now start to conform and take shape as God intended them to be in the first place. Remember that in all your trials God is still doing a good work in your life!

Prayer of Creative Words
Father, Today I will not allow the enemy to steal my seed, I will stay focused on your kingdom, and your words and I say fear, lack, fame, worry of getting more or keeping up with the world will not have any place in my life. ~Lisa Singh~

 

Original Me