Craving

 

imageThe craving want stop.. no matter how hard I try.. it’s a constant begging from my body to make the pain go away.. what do I say no you can’t have it, not today.. when the pain is so bad that it wakes me up.. craving something to make it go away..

When will the craving stop.. when will I be whole again.. I don’t know all I know is for now the craving is killing me..

The Original Me Ann

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FEELINGS

imageWell gurl I thought I would give you a call and drop some knowledge on somebody.. like me cause I could use it.. my day has felt some what calm.. I still have thoughts of him coming into my head.. but my daughter ask a tough questions..

Mom why do you think, he’s the best you can do .. why don’t you think you deserve better.. she said well you do .. and I’m here to make you see it..

He isn’t the best I can do.. I believe that.. it’s just I felt responsible for him.. in so many ways.. and I just knew God sent him to me.. to help me out of depression and deal with the pain.. but like I said that was not the case..

I know I deserve better.. but I’ve never felt pretty or sexy.. It’s seems like my body was never good enough.. growing up I was emotionally abused.. and so I could never see myself  as nothing but an ugly mistake.. I feel better about myself but it’s hard to be around a group of  black men I don’t know.. I don’t speak.. I just look down at the ground or floor.. I feel awkward even now..

I read a blog today.. http://www.tyronepierre.com  “You’re As Beautiful As The Moon” and it was a beautiful read about body types and shapes.. and I’m not gonna tell the rest go the link and read for yourself.. it’s really nice..

So Drea and I working on my outside.. and Jesus is working on the inside.. so I’m be alright..

original me

Emotional Abuse — The Journey is YOU……….and you are UNIQUE.

Emotional abuse is an uncomfortable reality, a social taboo. As such, it is the least talked about yet most common form of abuse. It is insidious and subjective in nature. Due to language and cultural differences — depending on the individuals, the setting and the culture — some abuses […]

via Emotional Abuse — The Journey is YOU……….and you are UNIQUE.

TexT Message

imageI am looking so farword to laying in my bed  as long as I want tomorrow.. I had my grand babies and doctors appointments this week.. and tomorrow is my day.. but I also need to rake the leaves.. so my plan is the rake and sit methodology.. sit as much as I need too and rake at my own peace.. who cares if I don’t finish till next May.. it’s my yard..

I got a text message last night from him.. but the more I think about it.. I’m sure it was for her.. but I am pleased to say I’m doing better with that situation.. I have accepted that he never loved me.. I could tell that by the way we had sex.. we might have made love twice in a year and half.. the rest of the time I was just something to f***.. and you know the sad part it wasn’t even good.. so why in the hell did I put up it.. that’s what I don’t understand .. I  knew I was broken but I didn’t know how broken I was until now.. when I let my mind go back there to the women.. I use to encourage and say it’s gonna be okay.. but then the tables turned and I was one of those women.. who had no strength to leave.. I had sank so low that I could not even find the beauty in me.. the more I think about it what kind of woman say “her day doesn’t start until her man get off work..” a weak ass woman, who look just like me.. my God in Heaven how did I get to this place.. and most of all how do I get out of here..

Original me

I’M NOT PSYCHIC

imageI’m not psychic.. but when I am connected with someone of the opposite sex.. I can read their thoughts.. so much to the point that they (he) thinks I have been going through his phone.. which he has locked and I don’t know the code.. so since I’m not psychic.. I began looking up words like telepathy- extra-sensory perception).. I was looking for a word to try and communicate what I am talking about.. and the closest I could get is psychic- psychic powers, psychic ability, psionics these words are used to describe all so-called powers of the mind, including telepathy but also such powers as telekinesis, clairvoyance, aura-reading, precognition, extra-sensory preception (ESP) and whatever other abilities you want to write about..

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When I think of psychic.. I think of witchcraft… I don’t think of it having anything to do with God.. and the Bible tell us to have nothing to do with such people.. “For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has rejected you as king.” (1 Samuel 23) “He sacrificed his sons in the fire in the Valley of Ben Hinn, practiced sorcery, divination, and witchcraft, and consulted mediums and spiritists. He did much evil in the eyes of the Lord, provoking him to anger.” (2 Chronicles 33:6) “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lascivious, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like of. I warn you, as I did before that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” ( Galatians 5:19-21) 

This how I know I am not a psychic because of what the word of God tells me..So what I do have is Intuition- the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. (synonyms: hunch, feeling, (in ones bones) inkling (sneaking) suspicion, idea, sense, notion)So I did a lot of research just to find out that I have a Woman’s Intuition..

 

original me..

My Angel

imageI am one tired momma.. I have no one to really talk to about how I feel about my daughter surgery.. I mean I have my family but I’m the oldest of five.. so I’m supposed to be the strong one and I don’t want to always burden them with my problems.. so instead I will bring them to the blogosphere.. my daughter wants all my focus on her and she should.. it’s only right because she is the one having surgery.. and she is the youngest of three and the girl I always wanted.. but we had given up on having one.. but God saw fit to give my husband and I a beautiful chocolate angel from heaven.. and we spoiled her rotten and it shows.. as a good parent should we always want the best for our children.. and we hate to see them suffer.. and no matter what is going on with us.. we have to be strong and present for them..

I see it with my oldest grandson.. he is six and his two younger brothers who are one year old and six months.. so he went from having all the attention for five years to being the oldest.. and I know it’s hard for him.. sometimes without knowing it the oldest gets neglected.. they say the middle child doesn’t get enough attention but I believe it’s the oldest.. so the other day I just let him express his self and get his feelings out.. so I decided once a week we are going to talk.. so if it’s anything he needs to say or express he can.. I see him almost everyday but after our heart to heart.. I realized a lot has changed in short period of time for him..

As you can see I live for my kids.. well not just my kids but all kids.. but I was supposed to be talking about me.. but I guess I just need to suck it up and deal with the pain.. because today it’s kicking my butt.. the weather is changing here..  a cold front is moving in.. and I never thought the cold would increase my pain but it has.. but what can I do.. still no pain meds.. so I will continue to suffer in silent for the moment..

I’m gonna end by saying.. I am glad I found this place called blogosphere or blogging.. I can focus on me.. and right now this has to be my way of getting my feelings out as I can no longer afford therapy for the moment.. but anyway like the say on The Middle “whatcha gonna do”..

“as always be blessed “

Gurl, I Don’t Want Him Here

imageI don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to care about him.. and yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to answer his call.. but yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want to love him.. but yet I do.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me.. I don’t want him here.. and he is here laying beside me.. I want to be strong.. and yet I feel so weak.. I don’t want him here.. and yet he is here laying beside me..