No matter what’s going.. are what will face know this God is in control.. my personal belief is yes we are going to see hard times.. because I can not get past “make America great again”.. so I pray that God peace surrounds us.. that we ever watchful for not just ourselves but our neighbors.. remember if it can happen to one minority it can happen to all of us ..
I have been thinking early this morning.. trying to cope with this year as it is quickly coming to a close..
As I look back.. I first want to say that God always knows who is best for us.. who we need in our lives.. but most of all God is not gonna go against His word to make you happy.. your happiness must line up with God word if you are a Believer..
Now it may sound like I’m about to contradict myself.. but this part is not out of just my spirit but my flesh to..
I look at how you left me broken.. and how I blame you for my brokenness.. but I had to except the fact I that I had been broken long before you came into my life.. I just allowed you to kick the pieces around, to scatter them and mix them up..
But I had to realize that broken people attract broken people.. at the time you might not see it because of the state of brokenness you’re in.. but have you ever seen a confident person full of live wanting to get involved with someone broken.. what I’m saying confident people surround themselves with confident people.. we have all heard the saying “No one wants to be around a Dibbie Downer”.. so we attract what we put out..
So moving on I allowed myself to be a victim of my depression and physical pain.. I didn’t become a Survivor.. instead I lay there ready to die, wanting to die.. to be at peace, to be at rest with my grandma.. yes I wanted to die.. or so I thought until I began to realize God has me here for purpose.. to help others just like me.. yes I will always have depression and probably chronic pain too.. but I don’t have to live in it alone.. remember I said God lives in our brokenness.. so I’m never alone and neither are you..
Now speaking to him who thought he left me a victim.. at this moment I HATE YOU.. You validated me away that has left me with doubt and shame.. a feeling of more weakness but it took this to open my eyes up .. and make me finial say enough is enough.. but before that you left me with my heart in pieces.. you made me doubt everything about me.. and then you left me.. but instead of seeing your leaving as a blessing.. I cried and pleaded with you to come back..
But today I look and I laugh at you.. you left me for her.. someone who never wanted you.. so I rejoice in my flesh at that.. you sitting drinking and crying like the bitch you wanted me to be for someone who used you like you used me.. crying for her to come and be with you.. you allow yourself the man, to be treated like a bitch.. not by one but two women.. yes I rejoice in the fact that both make a fool of you.. yes at this very moment I HATE YOU.. and I finally see that you are hurting worse than you hurt me.. and yes I’m smiling today as I write my freedom from you.. because see you got exactly what you deserve and more.. because you didn’t get the one you broke my heart for .. and you can’t have the one you truly love either..
Yes, the day will come I will write again to him.. a letter to say I forgive me.. for allowing him to use me.. but today at this moment I HATE HIM..
I finally realized that he can never give me.. what he has never been shown.. I realize that he can only give me .. what he has been taught to give..
I look into eyes for him to show me love.. I will not find it.. I will not feel it in his touch or the way he makes love to my body.. for he doesn’t know how to hold me.. how to caress my body.. or just lay my head on his shoulder.. he is incapable of giving me the love I desire that my body craves.. our love making will never be gentle and passionate.. no finding each other bodies in the dark.. after a day of feeling beat downs by cares of life.. no holding each other tight or our hands exploring each body.. no sense of oneness as we bring each other to ecstasy..
I realize he is incapable of loving me.. the way I desire to be loved.. he may say it’s a life of the street.. or that he never saw love.. he may even say this is me.. accept me as I am..
But in my heart of heart .. I know in order to truly love some ones body.. you must first love yourself.. I know that love is not an experience of aggression every time.. and I know that both partners are supposed to enjoy it.. I know making love is different from sex.. but I don’t think he ever learned the difference.. or could it just be that he never loved Me..
Love is probably the most misunderstood word in the world. Part of the problem is that we use this one word to describe many things. We water down its meaning by overuse. I love my wife. I love America. I love pizza. I love my dog. I love you. I would love to have my back rubbed. We use the word love in so many different ways that it has literally lost its meaning.
Giving or receiving love is difficult when we don’t even understand what it is. Most people think love is a feeling- a sentimental knot in the stomach, a quiver in the liver, an ocean of emotion. True, love does produce feelings, but it is more than a feeling. How often we rely on our feelings and let our feelings motivate us to do all kinds of things we might not normally do.
Another misconception is that love is uncontrollable. Have you ever said, “I feel in love”- as if you had tripped. We assume that love can’t be controlled. We talk as if love is uncontrollable, but the Bible says love is controllable. Jesus commands that we love others. His words indicate that we do have control over whom we love and whom we do not love.
Love is at the core two things. First, it is a matter of choice. The Bible says, “Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity”(Col. 3:14). Notice those two little words “put on”. Love is something we choose to have. If it were a feeling, we could not command it. But we can command a choice, and love is a choice. It is controllable.
The Bible also says that love is Matter conduct. Love is something we do- an action, not a feeling. The aspostle John expressed it this way: “Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18).
Love is more than words and more than feelings. The Greeks had four words to differentiate different types of love: storage, which means natural affection; eros, which means sexual attraction; philia, which means emotional affection or friendship; and agape, which means unconditional, giving, sacrificial love. When the Bible speaks of God’s love for us and the kind of love we are to have for Him and for other people, the word is always agape, signifying a commitment to act.
Well we have made it through one holiday.. with extended family and friends.. full of happiness and cheer.. are was it..
Is it okay to ask.. How are you doing really.. how is the depression.. how are you feeling.. do you have someone you can talk too.. that you trust to listen to you.. and not judge your feelings.. or try to justify how you are feeling.. or try to make you feel differently..
Is it okay to ask.. what happened to you.. how did you know this depression was different.. what were the signs.. did you just start feeling different.. was it him or her that cause it.. are you taking medication for it..
Is it okay to ask.. what can I do to help..
Yes it’s okay to ask .. how can you help.. Depression is a sickness especially chronic depression just like diabetes, heart attacks.. it is not just sadness that passes in a day or two.. it is lost of interest in normal activities and relationships.. it is staying in bed all day.. it’s crying all day, believing that you have become an existence.. instead of a life.. it is a feeling of hopelessness.. a place of darkness in your mind..
What it is not .. lack of faith in God.. it’s not for attention.. it’s not a magic pill to make it go away.. it’s not laziness.. it’s not you just don’t want be happy.. it’s something to be ASHAMED OF.. it happens to the best of us from the richest to the poorest.. we are not crazy just like the body gets sick.. so does the mind..
Yes I am an activist for Mental Illness.. I want people to know that their is help.. I want people to not be ashamed to say.. I’m sick in my mind.. or I feel sad and it want go away.. I’m having trouble concentrating.. I have insomnia or I am sleeping to much.. I can’t get out of bed..
I want people who know someone that is suffering with Chronic Depression.. to take time to ask them about their depression.. just like you would ask someone about cancer.. be just as concerned about them as you would any sick person.. Stop making us feel ashamed to say.. I’m suffering from chronic depression, anxiety, panic attacks, schizophrenia, paranoia and post traumatic stress disorder and many other mental illnesses.. help us to not be ashamed to get the help we need.. NO MORE LIVING IN SILENT.. Yes It’s Okay To Ask.. The question is it okay for me to tell you without judgement..
I locked the door.. so I don’t know how it happened .. I checked the windows too.. and they we’re locked too.. so I don’t know how it happened.. but somehow it crept in even though I double check the locks.. I look around to find the source of any opening..
Then I remember the night.. I packed your stuff.. I told you to get out.. that I didn’t want to see you anymore.. I told you to leave and don’t come back..
I know I didn’t mean it .. because I waited for your call.. I listen for the sound of your text.. but I heard no familiar sound.. I even listen for your knock.. hope by some chance you come by..but to no avail you were gone..
I had close the door to love and locked the windows of every opportunity of finding it.. the moment I locked the door on love.. Bitterness crept into my heart.. with no warning at all..