Well first let say I have a headache.. I woke up with it..
Now moving on..
Starting over can be the hardest thing to do.. but it can also be exciting.. Starting over gives you a chance to look back and learn from your mistakes..
For me I don’t think I chose 50 to start over I think it chose me.. It has shown me even with limitations.. I can still be free in my spirit and my mind.. It has shown me that I am still the butterfly.. I have released so much of my past hurts and failures.. I have also released people from their duty of loving me as only God can which is perfectly.. I place no expectations on man to give me the love I need for I know believe that they can only love and show love as they were taught and know how too..
I now know that the greatest love outside of Jehovah the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is self love..
So see I AM THAT ONE TO LOVE ME COMPLETELY..
The Original Me Ann
I have been thinking early this morning.. trying to cope with this year as it is quickly coming to a close..
As I look back.. I first want to say that God always knows who is best for us.. who we need in our lives.. but most of all God is not gonna go against His word to make you happy.. your happiness must line up with God word if you are a Believer..
Now it may sound like I’m about to contradict myself.. but this part is not out of just my spirit but my flesh to..
I look at how you left me broken.. and how I blame you for my brokenness.. but I had to except the fact I that I had been broken long before you came into my life.. I just allowed you to kick the pieces around, to scatter them and mix them up..
But I had to realize that broken people attract broken people.. at the time you might not see it because of the state of brokenness you’re in.. but have you ever seen a confident person full of live wanting to get involved with someone broken.. what I’m saying confident people surround themselves with confident people.. we have all heard the saying “No one wants to be around a Dibbie Downer”.. so we attract what we put out..
So moving on I allowed myself to be a victim of my depression and physical pain.. I didn’t become a Survivor.. instead I lay there ready to die, wanting to die.. to be at peace, to be at rest with my grandma.. yes I wanted to die.. or so I thought until I began to realize God has me here for purpose.. to help others just like me.. yes I will always have depression and probably chronic pain too.. but I don’t have to live in it alone.. remember I said God lives in our brokenness.. so I’m never alone and neither are you..
Now speaking to him who thought he left me a victim.. at this moment I HATE YOU.. You validated me away that has left me with doubt and shame.. a feeling of more weakness but it took this to open my eyes up .. and make me finial say enough is enough.. but before that you left me with my heart in pieces.. you made me doubt everything about me.. and then you left me.. but instead of seeing your leaving as a blessing.. I cried and pleaded with you to come back..
But today I look and I laugh at you.. you left me for her.. someone who never wanted you.. so I rejoice in my flesh at that.. you sitting drinking and crying like the bitch you wanted me to be for someone who used you like you used me.. crying for her to come and be with you.. you allow yourself the man, to be treated like a bitch.. not by one but two women.. yes I rejoice in the fact that both make a fool of you.. yes at this very moment I HATE YOU.. and I finally see that you are hurting worse than you hurt me.. and yes I’m smiling today as I write my freedom from you.. because see you got exactly what you deserve and more.. because you didn’t get the one you broke my heart for .. and you can’t have the one you truly love either..
Yes, the day will come I will write again to him.. a letter to say I forgive me.. for allowing him to use me.. but today at this moment I HATE HIM..
Picture ~black art
Your beauty shines in the day.. like the sunshine above.. just as well as it does at night.. like the moon set upon..
Don’t allow yourself to be nobody’s second best.. let him or her make you feel that all you’re good for is second place..
In other words don’t let nobody make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.. that your only use is when they have no one else.. Don’t think by allowing them to treat you less than.. You ask less than what .. less than the person God created you to be.. less than a person with feelings.. less than having your needs met.. but always meeting theirs.. less than being treated like the man and woman that God created you to be.. less than being shown respect for your body as well as your mind..
Too many of us settle for a less than life.. we allow another human beings.. with the same weakness as us .. subject to the same pain and shortcomings as we are.. make us feel less than..
If you don’t know if you’re less than.. let me share with you how to know..
I could go on and on with my list.. but what I’m trying to say is this.. nobody has the right to make you feel less than.. less than a man.. less than a woman.. you have the power as to how you allow anyone to treat you..
So everyday you must tell yourself.. I will not allow him/her to make me feel less than..Less than I know that I am.. key word you gotta know who you are.. in order to be treated the way you deserve.. you gotta know that there is nothing about you less than..
You gotta speak it.. today I am everything God created me to be.. and I never read where He created Adam less than.. but everything God created was good..
So you are good enough for anything.. and most definitely Anyone..
Giving a gift at birth only to have it stolen from me.. never given the chance to say who would be my first.. never even the chance to save my being for marriage.. it was stolen from me.. like a thief in the night .. you came and took what was not yours to take.. I slept in my bed like most little girls do .. with my dolly beside my hand .. only to have it replaced by something I never knew about.. it felt so nasty and didn’t know what to do.. I thought how could this be happening because I call you daddy too.. you told me not to tell anybody our little secret.. and as I lay there crying you said next time.. want hurt so bad.. as you close the door you say remember.. Our little Secret..
For every little boy and girl.. who has had their being stolen from them.. who never got a chance to choose their first.. it is my prayer that God will bring healing to you..
Lord, I worship You above all things. I praise You and proclaim that You are Lord over everything in my life. Thank You that You are more powerful than any of life’s storm that I must walk through. I ask You to help me in my situation I am in now and the difficult things I face. I pray that You will give me the desires of my heart concerning these situations. Thank You, Lord, that when I cry out to You, You hear my prayers and will answer. Stormie Omartian
“She came and worshiped Him, saying, Lord help me!” Matthew 15:25
Rain what is it about you that drains me of my energy.. what is about you that makes me content to be alone.. and at the same time snuggled up next to someone.. what is it about you Rain, that replenishes and refreshes even having the power to revive that which was dead.. what is it about you Rain, that makes people dance in it and seek cover at the same time.. what is it about you Rain that we wish to make love in.. as we seek to come out of the cold.. what is it about you Rain.. that’s makes me close my eyes and listen to your beautiful sound.. Rain I may never understand how you draw me into you.. on a hot summers day to cool me off.. Only you Rain can I love at one moment.. and hate the next.. On a day like today there is only you and I .. as I listen to you pound to the ground.. the sweet sound of Rain..
I wasn’t gonna do a personal blog tonight as I’m not feeling well.. I have been in pain all day.. and I still had to watch the grand babies.. so I didn’t take any pain medicine.. well that’s not the reason the reason is I have none.. but that’s another blog for another day..
I wanted to talk about blogging.. and how my email is over run now by bloggers.. and I don’t mine .. well maybe a little.. my policy was to check my email, read post and do one of two things like and comment or just like it.. but I find myself reading post for bloggers who aren’t reading mine.. so the system I came up with is to go on my likes and comments.. and read those post and reply to them first.. out of 81 followers I have on a given day 7 true followers.. so I’m need to figure out how to have faithful followers like me..
Another thing I do is to follow back.. but I am finding everybody doesn’t do that either.. but I follow what interests me.. right now I feel I’m in a place of darkness with this depression and excuse my language this damn pain that I can’t get one freaking doctor to give a damn about me and my suffering.. so maybe that’s one reason I get followers but not readers.. or maybe the just wanting to grow their followers.. I don’t know..
Well at any rate.. I want to say I appreciate everyone who follows me.. but read, like, leave a comment.. sometimes I think this is a competition.. but not with me.. I have to much to release to compete..
If you have any thoughts I would like to hear them.. so feel free to drop by and sip some tea, coffee or pepsi.. whatever your beverage of choice is..